Professor Ross Eforp
We are not a cult.
This, I can promise with absolute certainty. They say in statistics that you cannot be certain and everything is subjective, but this is not statistics; this is a blog. So I can confirm based on my own experience that marching band is not, and never will be, a cult.
What? You think calling the band director “Fearless Leader” has a cult-y vibe to it? That is just a coincidence! These things happen in life–it’s just probability! See, we respect the Fearless Leader, and the Fearless Leader leads us fearlessly from atop a ladder that has no back rail. It takes guts to climb that thing, so it is only fair to admire the Fearless Leader’s dauntlessness with this impeccable adjective.
I’m serious! We are not a cult! We do not all wear the same thing and secretly identify each other as though through some secret code. It’s not like we all got comfy beanies or show shirts or anything! No, we just…got those from the M Den! Yeah! No, we don’t get cool swag or anything…our status as student athletes is (wrongfully) disputed. So how could we possibly be detecting other band kids by their beanies, bags, or t-shirts?
Besides, cults don’t have their own theme songs. We sure do! Because…we’re a band…so–uh, yeah. Songs are what we do. But do cults follow around stuffed octopi and say “Uprising?” to one another? No! Then again, I’m not in a cult, so I don’t know what a cult is like–heh…heh…..heh……………
In conclusion, marching band is definitely not a cult, and this is definitely an essay that would have earned me a 5 on the AP Lang exam. Indeed, this is a bastion of academia, a beacon of integrity! Everything said in this can be confirmed by reputable sources such as Wikipedia and Twitter. It’s legit!