This satirical post was co-written with a person.
Robert R. Robertson (R3): Good evening, A2. I am here with self-proclaimed band geek Jonina Jonana, a clarinet in the Michigan Marching Band. How are you today, Jonina?
Jonina Jonana (JJ): Bad.
R3: That’s nice. So, would you like to describe what you do in the band?
JJ: This is going really awkward. I don’t like this interview.
R3: But will you answer the question?
JJ: Yeah, man.
R3: OK…then t–
JJ: Hit me with your best shot. I’m waiting.
JJ: You’re pretty bad at this.
JJ: My dude, I’m gonna leave.
Are you writing all of this down?
JJ: Even that?
JJ: Are you gonna ask me anything?
R3: So, would you like to describe what you do in the band?
JJ: Well–I kinda just do what everyone else does. I play, I walk around the field with nice posture, um…I memorize my music, I memorize where to walk on the field…um…what else do I do?
R3: You tell me.
JJ: Um, I…I practice in my free time about 5 minutes a week because practice is built in practice, so why would I need to practice on my own? I…like to think that I’m pretty good at the clarinet. I don’t…um…I don’t know. I guess I should start taking this interview more seriously.
But in all seriousness, I really do love being in the marching band, and it really is an honor to play in it whenever we have a show and to be a part of this group of wonderful musicians. And even though I joke about it, I really am and will be forever grateful that I am part of the Michigan Marching Band. I think it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and you can’t really describe the experience to people. You have to really experience it to appreciate it.
R3: Like the TV networks?
JJ: Yeah, exactly. I feel like we put so much effort into it, and we’re the ones that really hype up the crowd, but I also think that none of us mind too much that we don’t get as much recognition because we know that we…um….
We don’t need others to tell us that we’re worthy. We already know we’re the best damn band in the land.
R3: Seems legit. So, Jonina, what made you want to play the clarinet, or stick, as I’ve heard them kids say?
JJ: To be honest, it was kind of a shot in the dark for me. In the first place I didn’t really want to be in the band anyway, but I figured it would be better than trying to sing in the chorus class, so I went for it. I picked the clarinet because I wanted to play an instrument that wasn’t heavy.
R3: Like the cymbals?
R3: Why the clarinet specifically? I mean, why not percussion or brass? What about being a woodwind spoke to you?
JJ: Like I said before, I just chose the first thing that I saw. It looked kinda cool, it wasn’t very heavy, and I figured I could probably make a sound out of it. So yeah, I went for it. Also, my sister plays the trumpet, and she’s annoying, so I didn’t really wanna play that.
R3: Your sister?
JJ: What’s it to you?
R3: Is she in the MMB?
JJ: No. She quit the trumpet after 1 year.
R3: Y tho?
JJ: Why not? Free will?
R3: Does she go to Michigan?
JJ: Do you think she goes to Michigan?
R3: I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking. Anyway, ya like jazz?
JJ: Not really.
R3: Oh, ok. Alas. Anyway, that’s all the time the network will give me because the big boss is too focused on the other sports. But thanks for your time, Jonina Jonana, and Go Wolverines!
JJ: OK. Peace out, homie.