“I Go by She”
I wear sunflower dresses
and draw black triangles on my eyes.
I love the smell of vanilla and honey
and the sparkle of stars in the moonlight.
So how can I blame anyone for assuming
my apparent femininity equates to womanhood?
I refer to myself as she not out of identity but out of
passivity. Of course I’m a woman, I look like one.
I’m not a man but I don’t think I would complain
if tomorrow I awoke in the body of one.
Rather I think I’d feel the same; a stark indifference
to the very concept of my identity would not be new.
Perhaps that is my identity, indifference.
Because man I don’t think I feel like a woman
but nonbinary is reserved for short hair and androgyny.
If I cut my hair and wore loose clothes
threw out my dresses and stopped wearing makeup
would I feel comfortable identifying with the identity
that I feel comfortable with? Would I feel comfortable
escaping the binary and asking to be called they?
Would shedding my identity allow me to be true to it?
But I love my hair, my tight clothes and flowing skirts.
I enjoy my femininity yet feel disconnected from womanhood.
So I don’t have a clue what my preferred pronouns are,
but I go by she.