Author: sarahshu

1. Orion 

The red Orion stands proud in between Angell Hall and UMMA. In 2018, it was removed to repair the stormwater drains underneath it and afterwards, it was sent back to the artist’s studio for restoration purposes. Then, a fundraising campaign was launched to include the sculpture into UMMA’s permanent collection. When Orion was gone, I remarked how empty the lawn looked.

2. The Anchor

5. Angry Neptune, Salacia and Strider

(Images from UMMA)

I started cleaning my closet out, taking out clothes to be donated, to be given away and to be recycled. I googled sustainable ways to dispose household items (a great resource: www.recycleannarbor.org/). I have my cap and gown already for graduation, given to me by an alumni who is the same size. I’m all set.

But am I?

Ready is simply not a vocabulary that exists comfortably when we are graduating. We feel ready, yet when we graduate and return home, look for jobs, we feel in denial. We will soon lament the days when we had fun with friends, when we had the best lectures. Perhaps we’re a little too glad to be leaving the endless homework and projects behind. We know work isn’t necessarily better. There will be a lot of adulting to do. How scary.

I’m definitely ready to go home though. Four years spent mostly away from home + 5 years prior to that living in a boarding school has began to tire me out. Many things have happened while I was away and I am sick of only being able to get updates. Being present is what I deeply desire.

One senior of mine commented that being a student was more preferable because you could skip class, but you definitely can’t skip work. He jokingly said that we should do postgraduate studies, to get away from work entirely. While this is not sound advice, I certainly did not want to continue studying for now, especially since I’ve been doing it for 4 years. I need a change of scenery.

There is no getting away from adulting. Even though it is scary, we have to remember that we were raised for this purpose, to be a useful and independent citizen of this period. Things will not go the way we planned it to. We’ll just have to work around it, or accept that perhaps this wasn’t meant for us. Sometimes things work out in our favor, though we may never know till much later.

Long ago, I planned to study only psychology and win a government scholarship. Years later, I now have an even better scholarship that provides a job after graduating. I’m now majoring in both Economics and Psychology.

Despite having a secure job waiting for me back in Malaysia, I feel guilty. I see my friends scrambling to save money to try and stay here and find a job and apply for OPT. Others search online endlessly to find jobs at home. They wonder, what kind of jobs can they get in the not-so-great economy in Malaysia? What do I do with these feelings?

I accept that I am blessed. I’m not ready to adult, not ready to graduate but certainly ready to return home.

I stock the refrigerator shelves, balancing the boxes in my arms. A few fall to the floor. The cold fog wraps around me as I use my body to prop the door open. “You’ve done a great job, thank you Sarah!”, said my manager. I felt glad, happy my work is acknowledged. Later, another “These shelves are wonderful”. I paused but didn’t think too much about it.

“I like the outlines you did for cylinder” noted my friend as we compared and talked about our previous assignment. I don’t say much when I look over at my classmates work, unless I wanted to know how they mastered the watercolor shading and if I liked a small detail. “Good” says my watercolor professor.

Hearing a bit too much praise brought me back to my psychology seminar in Towsley Children’s Center, where we were taught to acknowledge and not praise the children when they did something. Our coordinator said something along the lines of “We want the kids to value their own work and efforts, without relying too much on your evaluation. For the most part they just want you to acknowledge them”. I agreed with this concept. Else we would hinge too much of ourselves upon others. That definitely isn’t good right?

So when a child showed us their drawings or said “Sarah, look at me!”, we had to say something like “I see you!” or “I see that you drew that with a lot of colors”, taking care to not utter wows or beautiful or good. “Good job” was definitely a no no.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to praise someone, or something. Maybe there is just a little bit… too much. I wanted a “Good progress” ,”I appreciate you stocking the shelves today” or maybe even something encouraging like “Keep it up, you’re getting there”. When there are too many compliments, sometimes I wonder if they are sincere and I don’t want to think this thought.

But I do want the occasional praise. Sincere ones. And comments that drive me to do better.

(Image credits: Google Images)