Be There
Who would save you from yourself
When caution signs turn invitation
Who would dampen the fire
At breakfast, lunch, and dinner
Who would force the world to turn
When the door is wedged
And you’re worried about tomorrow
Who would hold you in your head
And carry you in your waking
Who would love you when it’s hard
And calm you when it’s not
Who would be there
When the drugs wear off
Living gets heavy
I won’t be there
I’m sorry
push your cries down here
and hold yourself to the promise you made
you were born to be great
your fortune is no mistake
and it is not your’s alone
Text: “I wonder if it’ll bounce…”
“CRASH”
“Maybe that one will”
Hello, hope everyone’s having a good night! For this week I thought id actually play with the animal aspect of my characters. Even a responsible character like Mur is sure to have her urges every once in a while.
hello! hope everyone is doing okay this week.
this week’s diary sketch (◡̈ ):
this week’s diary entry（˶′◡‵˶）:
i was reflecting on things like nostalgia and girlhood recently, and was reminded of Look Back. it’s a movie adaptation of the one-shot manga by Tatsuki Fujimoto, which I watched last summer with a few friends in Michigan Theater. without getting into spoilers (but be warned if you’re planning on watching it!), the movie follows the relationship of two very different girls, Fujino and Kyomoto, from childhood to young adulthood, who bond over their shared passion for drawing manga. their relationship is marked by competition, idolization, and pride, but also love. art is simultaneously what made and broke their relationship. i would not call the story a particularly joyful one, but i would call it a beautiful one—i found myself deeply touched by it.
aside from the beautiful animation, it brought back memories of my own childhood friendships and the power of art as a source of passion and bonding. i started drawing in middle school, inspired by one of my closest friends at the time. it was an exciting hobby, something i could obsess at getting better at. i ended up becoming deeply close with her—holding hands, dreaming that we’d attend art school together, and live together after. in other words, she was probably my first love.
but by my later years of high school, my love for art had gone through a consistent cycle of waxing and waning (though more the latter). i still enjoyed it, but i had less passion for it, spending weeks on end without touching my sketchbook. our collective fantasy of pursuing art as our lifelong careers silently fell through; simultaneously, it felt like our bond grew less deep. after graduating, we ended up attending different universities, halfway across the country. while we stayed in touch, our friendship drifted from the simple innocence and sweetness that it used to have. part of that is inevitable in the process of maturing and changing (especially so far away from each other), but i couldn’t help but miss what we used to have.
recently, she told me that she doesn’t find joy in drawing anymore. i found myself oddly upset after reading her text, like a sense of grieving in my chest, another reminder of how much we’ve changed and the past dreams that had fallen through.
to me, Look Back was about a sort of nostalgic regret, while also being a celebration of art and the artists who have given themselves to their creations. i think artistic creation and the deep bonds we share with others mutually foster each other. and i couldn’t help but see the ways that Fujino and Kyomoto paralleled my own relationships. like theirs, my relationships inevitably lost their innocence, irrevocably changed from their sweet beginnings. like theirs, i’ve had to take steps away from the past in order to look towards a better future. like theirs, some of my bonds have been broken, permanently.
but Look Back also represents girlhood. the two characters held a bond that was both simple and extremely deep. they grew and changed together, leaving a permanent mark within another. they found comfort and joy in each other, and dreamt that they would be together forever. regardless on whether that came to fruition, and how things have ended or changed, i value every love i was ever able to have.
-dai
⊹ ₊ ⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ ♡˚₊‧⁺ ₊ ⊹
weekly recommendations!!
I’m working on a solo clown show and it is killing me.
It’s actually a clown show with some added baggage in the form of a critical eye toward depictions of disability and Madness in comedy. While that does have me worrying a bit more about the messaging and content of the show, it’s not the main reason I’m struggling.
I do think that part of the problem is that clown is out of my comfort zone. I’ve had some training and I’ve been told I’m at least not terrible at it, but I’d be much more comfortable writing something really sad with some beautiful language. But the catalyst for this entire show was frustration with the fact that no one could tell me why there were so many depictions of hunchbacks in comedy, which led to a rabbithole on disability in clown imagery, which leads us to this damn clown show.
Ultimately, though, the problem here is just that I’m making a show from scratch with a deadline and it kind of sucks. I think it will get done. It’ll probably be fine. But creating a new work from nothing is not the same thing as figuring out how to embody a story that already exists. And it’s not as simple as putting words on a page. It’s more like flopping around like a dying fish until you accidentally make a thing. And that’s stressful when you don’t know when the “accidentally making a thing” part will happen.
In my case, I had something of a breakthrough this week, so even though I’m still daunted by everything I still have to figure out, I can kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel now. But I’m still feeling the crunch. And I need a nap.
Honestly, though, I do think this space of unknown is kind of to be expected when you’re making something new. I also think we aren’t always honest with ourselves about how frustrating it can be.
We live in a world driven by deadlines, reliability, and not wasting people’s time. While I can see the value of these things in certain instances, let’s be clear that these are capitalist constructs, and more so than that, they aren’t realistic 100% of the time. Making stuff can be messy and it can be infuriating. I think there’s room to have grace with ourselves. I also think we can be more compassionate with the expectations we place on each other.
That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. Whatever I manage to come up with show-wise will go up in the Keene in a few weeks. More info to come.
The colors aligned / Then everything seems to shine / All, adorned and bright
