Scribble #6: Chinese Satellite

“I’ve been running around in circles, pretending to be myself.”

I had a conversation with my dad this past weekend about how maturity and independence grows exponentially. In the past year and a half since starting college, I have seen this to be very true. Between the pandemic and moving halfway across the country for school, I’ve grown more than I thought was possible in such a short amount of time. I often wish I knew exactly who I am, but I am not even sure exactly who I want to be. This is a lifelong process, I know, and yet I catch myself wishing I could expedite it.

“Why would somebody do this on purpose when they could do something else?”

In Chinese Satellite, Phoebe Bridgers sings about her unsure attitude toward religion and her doubts of an afterlife. To me, this song represents something more: not being sure of who you are and desperately wanting to know how you feel and what you want, while also knowing that there is no way for you to rush this process. 

“Drowning out the morning birds with the same three songs over and over.”

After what feels like far longer than just over two months, I’m finally getting into the routine of in-person college. In another two months, once the new semester begins, some of that routine will change again. Just as I felt like I was getting used to my life here, there is going to be yet another change with the new semester.

“I wish I wrote it, but I didn’t, so I learn the words.”

It will be nice to be home for Thanksgiving – back in the place where I grew up and where routine is easy to fall into. I also know that after a few days I will be more than ready to be back in Ann Arbor, Michigan, where I feel like I am my best version of myself. When I am at school, my potential for growth feels unlimited, both in a daunting and inspirational way, and I miss that feeling whenever I’m gone.

“Hum along ’til the feeling’s gone forever.”

Over the past year and a half, my living situation has changed, my friends have changed, and I have changed. I’m finally getting to a point where I feel more stable, but it is inevitable that something will come along and shake things up again. Change is a special, beautiful thing, for better and for worse. The present is not permanent. Good things pass, but then again, bad things pass, too. For me, it always comes back to the same thing: it all works out, given enough time and the right attitude.

Listen to Chinese Satellite here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AV-eEC6XyzA