From nothing

Joy is, in itself, a worthy cause

But even it needs to be created

We are told that our feelings are somehow superfluous

Not real

Yet they can be altered

Changed

By outside forces

You tell me that this strange spirit on the stage isn’t real

Yet I see

The body move, gesture

Breathe

And is something in me not changed in seeing it?

Bodies moving

With each other, and not

Gesture

Breath

Voice

Move into the light

And that’s already a change.

Move downstage

Change

Ensemble in formation

Grasp onto another

Change

Lament

The gaze moves

Change

Meet an audience member’s eyes

And they are changed

A tear

Change

A laugh

A moment to the next

Draw breath

Maybe the soul on the page has never lived

Or maybe they’ve lived and then moved on

But now they breathe again

Exhale

Once I was you

Someday you will be me.

Are you angry yet?

Sad?

Joyful?

Relieved?

Have you yet been changed?

You will be.

Step into the light

Draw breath

Fill the body

Wake up the spirits

Don’t tell me magick isn’t real

This space is charged with light

Buzzing

Every body overfilled with life

And you are a story made flesh

Move, speak your spells right now

There are even witnesses

Invite them in

Mistakes are easily forgiven

Only one thing really matters:

Conjure.

A Crooked, Queer Meditation on The Fool

The first tarot deck I ever bought was the Fountain Tarot, and their description of the Fool reads:

“Suspended between spiritual and Earthly existence, the beautiful Fool is the newly born soul embarking on a bright adventure…Though some find his quest absurd, he is not swayed. With an open heart, he is led by the inner voice of his true Self.”

In the major arcana, the Fool comes first in the deck, before many other archetypes such as The Priestess, Magician, Devil, and so on. The Fool has yet to experience either the highs or the lows of their journey and relies on their inner compass to guide them. Because they don’t have much experience to draw from in their journey, they have to become comfortable living in the unknown.

The Muse Tarot, a favorite of mine, includes a poem at the end of every card description, and for the Fool Chris-Anne writes:

Fearlessly jump into

The sea of the cosmos,

The spinning potentials are calling

maybe a little foolish today

yet better done fool-like

than stalling

Chris-Anne reminds us that sometimes we don’t have the luxury of knowing what’s going to happen or what the right course of action even is, and we still need to act. The show must go on.

One of the greatest steps I took in my artistic journey was embracing the fool. This was both an act of taking the pressure off myself to know everything, and acknowledging the ways in which I’d have to trust myself and my own inner knowing over industry norms that want nothing to do with a Queer, Disabled, Deformed femme actor. The rules as they existed left no space for me.

My own Fool journey was one of coming into deep understanding of the power of transgression. When I was training as a clown, one exercise involved thinking of a common activity, and then coming up with as many ways as possible to screw it up. How many ways can we do the most basic thing wrong? And where is the joy in doing so?

The Fool often doesn’t know how to do things “right” and may not even have any concept of the socially sanctioned ideas of right or wrong, good and bad, acceptable or not even are.

I think back to my childhood self. I was viewed as “crazy” for laughing too loud and too much, or just making weird noises in general, particularly when I wasn’t supposed to. Simultaneously, I was viewed as “angry” because I just couldn’t accept things that I knew deeply to be wrong. Whether it was through laughter or soapboxes, I was calling out absurdity.

Britannica describes the Fool as “a comic entertainer whose madness or imbecility, real or pretended, made him a source of amusement and gave him license to abuse and poke fun at even the most exalted of his patrons.”

The entry goes on to say that the Fool is “often deformed, dwarfed, or crippled…”

You’re telling me…

I spent the first decade of my time in theatre with a 90-degree curve in my spine. This was never meant to be a statement on anything; we perform with our bodies, and this was the body I had.

This Fool asks: Who determines beauty, and why can’t it include me?

Judith Butler said, “Gender is a performance that is repeated and becomes constructed through time.”

In this quote, Judith Butler is addressing the concept of performativity, which they discuss often in their writing on gender. Though it may be tempting to think of performance as something imaginary and fundamentally unreal, Butler argues (as paraphrased by me, a Fool) that performance affects very real change. To perform is to change something. Performing gender makes it real. By taking actions associated with and attempting to look like a given gender, human beings create gender. And it can be recreated anew, and it can look different than before. (It’s worth noting here that the Fool archetype has a long history of breaking down gender norms; my own clown, Pookie Ra Ra, is meant to be a teenage boy, but has noticeable breasts because I don’t like binding).

The Fool asks: What else can be performed differently? How can we change the show? What can we make and remake?

The Fool doesn’t necessarily have the answers. But they are not held back by what is. They remind us that where we lack answers, we can create them.

The Fool reminds us to embrace the unknown.

What the Fool offers us is hope.

“Hope locates itself in the premises that we don’t know what will happen and that in the spaciousness of uncertainty is room to act.” – Rebecca Solnit