Author: Sydney Braun

“We’re scared of what we do not know,”

This week’s Scribble is based on the song What Are You So Scared Of? by Australian band Tonight Alive. One of the themes throughout the album (of the same name as the track) is the difficult necessity of letting go of things you cannot control in order to move through life without being paralyzed by fear. With only a few days until Halloween, I figured I should write a blog that deals with something spooky, and what is scarier than fear itself? 

“No matter where we want to go.”

I’m scared of feeling like I did not do my best and therefore was unable to reach my full potential. I’m scared of bad things happening to the people I love. I’m scared to open up to others and show vulnerability and expose my weaknesses. I’m scared of letting myself and my loved ones down. I’m scared of spending my whole life looking forward to the future until I realize, too late, that I forgot to live in the now.

“Wait for it to find you, to find you,”

The thing about these fears is that some are within my control while others aren’t. For the things that are within my control, I do my best to control them. I try my hardest most of the time, but I’ve been working on accepting the truth that it is impossible to do everything right and it is okay (and natural) to be imperfect. I have been practicing vulnerability (one way is by writing these blogs!) which is helping me get closer to my friends and form deeper and more honest relationships than I ever thought I could. Doing what scares me, in this case being more vulnerable, helps me realize that there is, in fact, nothing to fear. I still catch myself focusing on the future more than the present from time to time, and in those moments, it is important for me to take a moment to reflect on what makes me happy today. As for fearing things that I can’t control, the best thing I can do for now is accept the fact that some things are simply out of my hands. For me, like communicated throughout What Are You So Scared Of?, a vital part of facing my own fears is allowing myself to let go.

“But the truth is far behind you now.”

This Halloween, after you are done scaring yourself on haunted hayrides and watching horror films, I encourage you to do some healthy reflection. Now that the candy-filled distractions are gone, what are you so scared of? Challenge yourself not to run from your fears. What can (or can’t) you do about them? Sometimes, being brave means confronting what you are scared of. Other times, the courage lies in letting go. You might realize that there is far less to fear than you thought. 

“Time to say it out loud: What are you so scared of?”

Listen to What Are You So Scared Of? here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qvN2LxsFjA

“You hear laughter cracking through the walls.”

As I sit down to write this blog, I struggle. This time it isn’t particularly difficult to write due to an intimidating feeling I am experiencing. I am not having a hard time putting a personal topic into words. After a fun-filled, cathartic weekend of catching up with friends and taking care of myself, I find myself struggling to formulate a blog that concerns music and my emotions. Music is one of the ways I process my sadness, anger, stress, and/or feeling lost, and this past weekend I haven’t experienced much of that. I happen to struggle with my worst bouts of writer’s block and artist’s block when I lack these emotions, so today’s blog will be something different.

“It sends you spinning, you have no choice.”

Although I didn’t go home for fall break, I would argue that these few days off were just as restorative for me as if I had. It gave me time to spend with friends who I hadn’t seen much of this semester. It seems like classes and studying have taken over our lives now that most things are finally in person, for better and for worse. Luckily, I had minimal work to do over break, so it was the perfect chance to catch up with my friends without the shadows of deadlines and pending exams hanging over our heads. Instead of worrying about what studying needed to get done, I was able to be fully present and enjoy every minute spent with my friends.

“Following the footsteps of a rag doll dance,”

I can’t tell you the last time I was as happy as I was while dancing to Spellbound by Siouxsie and the Banshees with my best friend this past weekend. We were enjoying each other’s company and the music we both love, and, in that moment, I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. This is a feeling that is incredibly valuable to me in the constant turmoil of “growing up” and the long and never-ending process of figuring out who I am.

“We are entranced; spellbound.”

This week’s blog might have taken a bit more time and creativity than usual, but knowing that this is because I have been at peace with myself makes me hope I have many more weeks of this type of creative block to overcome.

Listen to Spellbound here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_bXdEA6nSM

“I am milk, I am red hot kitchen.”

The Scribble for this week is inspired by the song Milk by the band Garbage. Shirley Manson, frontwoman of the band, has said that Milk is about “​​things you can’t have and you will forever wait for.” This past week, I’ve reflected on my own fears of being and remaining “incomplete”, and I have come to some important realizations.

“And I am cool, cool as the deep blue ocean.”

In my story, the protagonist is thriving. They have a job they are passionate about, a group of trusted friends, and the feeling of being able to be unabashedly themself. They have achieved their definition of success for the moment, and, though nothing is perfect, they have come further than they ever expected and are thriving. They look around with gratitude and, at last, have time to stop and relax.

“I am lost so I am cruel.”

They have the time to read books, watch movies and TV, and scroll through social media. Everything keeps screaming to them that something is missing. The doubt creeps in at night, when there are no further distractions: Will they ever be truly complete without “true love”? They see the necessity of “true love” all the time – they have since they were a kid. When the beloved characters from those beloved stories finally won, that usually included some type of prince or princess. Our protagonist feels like they won, but there is no prince or princess, so there is no way they can be fully complete. It was not a factor for their happiness at the start of their story, but maybe it should be now. All of a sudden, the protagonist fears that their story will never be complete. 

“But I’d be love and sweetness if I had you.”

I’ve had a mentality shift recently. The stories I grew up on filled my brain with misinformation surrounding “true love” that negatively impacts me to this day. Maybe my life would be incomplete without “true love,” but luckily I do not go without it. 

Thankfully, “true love” is not something I will forever wait for. “True love” is the gratitude I felt when I passed a still-blooming purple and yellow flowered bush even though it is October. “True love” is all of the late night vulnerable conversations I have with my best friends that leave us laughing or in tears. “True love” is losing track of time and space when I draw, write, or play guitar. “True love” is the random phone call from Mom because she just wanted to hear my voice.

“I’m waiting, I’m waiting for you.”

“True love” is thousands of things I have experienced and even more that I’ve yet to experience, and I cannot wait for each and every one of them. My story is far from over, but it is by no means incomplete. 

Listen to Milk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amrvLJRA3dc