Author: Sydney Braun

University of Michigan Class of 2024. Pronouns: she/her. Double Major in Environment and Communication & Media. Huge fan of 80s/90s music, not a fan of single-use plastic water bottles. Be sure to check out Song Scribbles With Sydney, where I use my favorite music to help analyze my emotions and experiences at college, posted every Wednesday!

Scribble #22: Basket Case

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“Do you have the time to listen to me whine”

After multiple vaccinations and even getting COVID-19 in 2020 before vaccines were available, I am once again isolating after a positive COVID-19 test. With exams coming up and less than 20 days before I move home for the summer, this has come at a very stressful time. On top of all of that, most of today was spent packing for and moving to my five day “vacation” at Northwood Apartments.

“About nothing and everything all at once?”

Hopefully I’ll be able to make a quick and full recovery and be back in my Ann Arbor home as soon as possible – I’m sure I’ll update you next Wednesday. Until then, it’ll be a whole lot of studying, doing homework, going on walks and runs, playing guitar, drawing, and watching YouTube. Forced, mandatory self-care time with a side of loneliness and stress. 

“I am one of those melodramatic fools…”

This is making me even more grateful for everything – and everyone – I have here. My friends are constantly checking in on me, offering to bring me anything I need, and asking to video chat with me to help pass the time. It’s only been a day in isolation housing, but I already feel so much love and support from my friends here. I might be isolating, but I am definitely not alone.

“Grasping to control, so I better hold on!”

Listen to Basket Case by Green Day here: https://youtu.be/wZ8eZRxFA-0

Scribble #21: Everlong

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“I know you’ve always been out of your head,”

All of a sudden, I only have a few short weeks until I return home for the summer. At the beginning of the school year, I viewed summer break as something to look forward to – a return to my own room, my home, my family, and some stability. With each passing day, however, I become more and more sad to know that, soon, I’ll have to say a temporary goodbye to Ann Arbor and all of my friends here.

“Out of my head, I sang,”

I don’t sit around dwelling on the fact that soon I’ll move out of the place I’ve spent the majority of the past 8 months and be hours away from my best friends, and this allows me to make the most of the time I do have left. I am only halfway done with my time pursuing my undergraduate degree, and there is plenty to look forward to over the course of the next two years. However, the end of this academic semester comes with sadness – many of my friends are graduating soon – but I am happy excited for them and excited to see all of the amazing things they go on to do after graduation.

“And I wonder, when I sing along with you,”

Here’s to having a good rest of the semester, to focusing on savoring every moment I have left here, to studying hard for my exams, to not procrastinating my final papers, to spending as much time as possible with my friends, and to knowing that I have plenty to come back to when I return to Ann Arbor in August.

“If everything could ever feel this real forever?”

Ann Arbor – my second home – and my friends – my second family – I will see you again before I know it, and I look forward to all of our future adventures!

“If anything could ever be this good again?”

Listen to Everlong by Foo Fighters here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxuTd9rwEHQ

Scribble #20: Champagne Supernova

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“Someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide,”

This past weekend was made complete by a visit from my best friend: my mom. It was great to see her and be able to catch up – these past few weeks have been very busy and I haven’t been able to speak much with her. It’s always weird when a family member leaves after visiting me at college, but every time it gets easier and easier to get right back into college life. That doesn’t mean saying goodbye isn’t hard, though.

“In a champagne supernova,”

Singing along to the entire seven minutes and twenty seven seconds of Champagne Supernova by Oasis with my mom while we were driving in the car was a highlight of my weekend. I’m glad we are able to bond over our shared love of similar music. Tonight, I had another singalong with some of my closest friends. I can’t help but remember how all throughout middle and high school I wouldn’t sing in front of anyone. It makes me happy to realize that now (while I am still very aware that I am no professional singer) I am secure enough to sing in front of my friends and family.

“’Cause people believe that they’re gonna get away for the summer.”

It was great to be able to spend quality time with my mom, and a nice way to make my way into finals season. It’s hard to believe that I have less than a month left of my second year of college, but I’m proud of my personal growth and how far I’ve come since late August 2021. It’s going to be an academically exhausting few weeks, but I look forward to the satisfaction that will come with it – and the de-stress singalongs that will happen along the way and into the summer.

“But you and I, we live and die; the world’s still spinnin’ ’round, we don’t know why.”

Listen to Champagne Supernova by Oasis here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4V-wUzZvj20 

Scribble #19: Regret

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“‘Just wait till tomorrow,’” 

I started off the school year thinking I just had to make it through. Through the day, through the week, through the year, through to better times. I waited all of high school to finally get to college and make friends there, and there I was, in college, waiting for it to be over so I could be on to the next era of my life, a better one with better friends. I fell fully into the trap of living for the future and simply enduring the present.

“I guess that’s what they all say just before they fall apart.”

I’ve learned since then that things change – and with enough patience, a little luck, and a good attitude, they can change for the better. Now, I am able to simultaneously look forward to the future and enjoy where I am in the moment. This past weekend, my best friend from home came to visit me in Ann Arbor. Throughout high school and into the present, she is so special to me because I always feel like I can be my entire self around her. Having her come to Ann Arbor made me realize that I feel the same way around the friends I’ve made here at Michigan – something that I didn’t quite realize was the case until this weekend.

“I was upset, you see, almost all the time.”

It’s a lot easier for me to get through the days, weeks, and months here knowing I am surrounded by the healthiest friends I could wish for, and I find myself feeling like I am enjoying my current state of being as opposed to viewing the present as an obstacle in the way of the better times ahead. I like to think the best is yet to come, but if my present is as good as it gets, I would be able to move through life happily as well – and that feeling is everything that my past self dreamed of.

“You used to be a stranger, now you are mine.”

Listen to Regret by New Order here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5V_jUncesw 

Scribble #18: The Other

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“I’ve been scratching at the surface trying to find out where the hurt is.”

I always figured that college is a time to work on finding out who you are, but I didn’t realize that that also means finding out who you aren’t. I find myself second guessing myself every day, in the best – and worst – ways possible. My mind is expanding with every class I take, but sometimes, I worry that I’m doing college and young-adulthood the “wrong” way or that I should be doing something that others seem to enjoy even though I have no interest in it. The pandemic and having to change my expectations hasn’t helped.

“Now that I’m dancing with my demons, I’m making everybody nervous”

This leads me to fear that I’m missing out on something, but it’s a strange sort of feeling. I fear I am missing out on things I do not want to do and aspects of a stereotypical college culture that I don’t have any interest in. Everyone has their own path and everyone is unique. Just because I see something in pop culture and on social media that some of my peers seem to enjoy doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me not being interested in it.

“I have to walk the path in front of me ’cause I’m not one for following,”

The truth is, there will always be times when I am anxious. There will always be times when I feel like I don’t belong, and there is nothing wrong with me feeling upset, lost, and lonely in those moments. Just because I feel like I can’t relate to a single conversation doesn’t mean that I need to change so that I can relate, and it definitely doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with me. I have to remember that for every conversation that leaves me feeling left out, I’ve had one that makes me feel at home and feel like myself. Why change who I am to become someone I don’t even want to be?

“And I will not apologize or lie for who I am.”

Listen to The Other (by Tonight Alive) here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HibSsNbCUn4

Scribble #17: Cheerio

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“I don’t believe in loss,”

At home over Spring Break, I opened one of my desk drawers to find a letter to myself that I forgot I wrote. I quickly recalled that I wrote it on the last day of Winter Break, when I was feeling particularly anxious and dreading my return to college after a somewhat difficult fall semester. In it, I assured myself I would feel better when I read it in the future than the way I felt when I wrote it. In two short months, I was shocked to realize how true that statement was. 

“And I doubt there is a heaven.”

Some days are harder than others, and it can be hard not to get discouraged and upset with myself when I’m not feeling 100%. I am not generally as patient with myself as I should be. I have a hard time accepting that progress is not linear – I can have good and bad days while still being on an upward trend. One bad day does not mean I am a failure. One emotionally-taxing moment does not take away from the fact that I am continuing to improve myself. Hearing my mom tell me last week over Spring Break that she can see how much better I am doing now in comparison to over Winter Break helped me realize how far I’ve come. I feel better inside now, but my mom can see it on the outside, too. 

“My heart belongs to me,”

In those two months since Winter Break, I’ve gotten so much closer to my friends here at Michigan. I love my classes and professors. Being here in Ann Arbor once again feels hopeful and exciting. I’m so glad to have rediscovered the beauty here and all of my potential and the possibilities that can become a reality with patience and hard work. Here’s to finishing the semester strong, and here’s to progress – as nonlinear as it may be.

“And I know I’m happy now.”

Listen to Cheerio (by the band Malaria!) here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAoJYefMZO8