Author: Sydney Braun

“Something in your eyes took a thousand years to get here…”

Generally speaking, Valentine’s Day for me is an annoying reminder of “being alone.” Although the official ​​Singles Awareness Day is on February 15, a day after Valentine’s Day, February 14th seems like the day that makes me most aware of being single. Relating to this, I had a conversation with a close friend recently about the concept of “being alone” and the importance of focusing on the ways that we aren’t alone instead of the ways that we are.

“You, I’m sure I’ve met long before…”

This year, I’m fortunate and grateful to be able to say my Valentine’s Day was full of love. Some examples of this love are being handed a flower by a stranger in the Diag and being told it was a random act of kindness, receiving a box of chocolates in the mail from my mom, and coming back from my classes to a bouquet of flowers and heartfelt card in front of my door, courtesy of the friend who I had the conversation about “being alone” with.

“The darkness just lets us see who we are…”

Without knowing what feeling lonely is like, I might forget to appreciate all of the people who remind me I am not alone. I’m lucky to have been reminded of this so many times on Valentine’s Day, but not being alone comes in more forms than being given gifts. Not being alone – love – means feeling like I can talk to my friends and trust that they’re looking out for me. It means the selfless acts we do for each other every day that go unnoticed yet are alwaysreciprocated. This Valentine’s Day, I was beautifully reminded that I have the privilege of being able to recognize that, for me, “being alone” is a mindset. The second I decide that I am not alone, I suddenly see the countless ways that I am loved.

“Free yourself to be yourself.”

Listen to Iris (Hold Me Close) here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GAbVK8pZmU

“I only can see myself skating around the truth who I am,”

Self-discovery at college is as terrifying as it is liberating. I was not prepared for how difficult it would be to decide who I want my friends to be when I am not even sure who I want to be yet. After this month’s below-freezing temperatures and last week’s snowstorm, I can relate even more strongly to today’s song: Winter by Tori Amos. 

“But I know… the ice is getting thin.”

Generally speaking, I am confident in myself and I like who I am. Even so, I’ve realized that recently I haven’t been as patient and forgiving with myself as I should be. Holding myself to a high standard is part of who I am. It is something that I think is great about me, but I realize that sometimes the standard I hold myself to is not realistic and I end up actually holding myself back.

“When you gonna make up your mind?”

Though I have been trying to figure myself out throughout my college experience so far, I have never been so confident in the people I have chosen to be my friends. Not only did I choose them, but they chose me back. We see potential in each other. They’re my supporters, my inspirations, and my confidants, as I am for them. 

“When you gonna love you as much as I do?”

I will navigate this life of self-discovery with the help of my newfound friends. I will let go to the best of my ability and allow myself to grow without putting pressure on myself. I will embrace the uncertainty and the change and my decisions. Most importantly, I will be gentle with myself. This is a learning process, and I have no right to expect myself to be perfect. I am not ready to make every decision about who I want to be (nor should I be), but I am ready to make one decision. It is time for me to decide to love myself the way that I am loved by my family and friends. 

“’Cause things are gonna change so fast.”

Listen to Winter here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw431cX0mgQ

“When I’d speak of artistry you would roll your eyes skyward, when I’d speak of spirituality you label me absurd.”

Over the past weekend, I took a very short visit home. It was relaxing to be with my family – they’re my favorite thing about being home – and nice to have a break from all the stress that comes along with being at school. On my short plane ride home, I had an inexplicable and strong hopeful feeling that has followed me for the few days since. 

“When I spoke of impossibility you would frown and shake your head,”

It is a feeling that isn’t new to me, but the sudden realization of the countless possibilities and opportunities that the coming weeks, months, and years can and will bring hit me for the first time in what felt like a long time. It’s a feeling that I associate with “feeling like myself,” because generally speaking, I am an optimist, and constantly having less-than-hopeful thoughts leaves me feeling unrecognizable to myself.

“If I had stayed much longer I’d have surely imploded.”

I am not sure what prompted this return to excited optimism. Maybe I just needed a mental reset, maybe I needed to be away from my college life in order to appreciate it, maybe I needed to listen to more of the music that makes me feel understood (for example any song by Alanis Morissette), maybe I needed some time on my own while traveling. Maybe (definitely) it’s due to my therapy working. I am well aware that therapy works and helps me a lot. Like most things, bettering myself takes time, and, unfortunately, I am generally not good at being patient when it comes to my own life.

“Unprodigal Daughter and I’m heading for the west, disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough,”

While this current good feeling leaves me paranoid that it won’t last forever (spoiler alert: no feelings last forever, which is a blessing and a curse), it is nice to have this renewed sense of purpose and energy while it lasts. It’s nice to know that I’m going to continue to work on feeling this way more often. It’s even nicer to know that, regardless of how long it may last this time, this feeling is never gone forever, and in the times when I am not feeling like my usual positive self, I just need to hang in there and be patient until I am.

“Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last!”

Listen to Unprodigal Daughter here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEbWQxgDpOA

“Try to remember how it felt to just make up your own steps,”

This week’s song entitled Anklebiters by Paramore is one that I first heard in my freshman year of high school. It’s a song that I think about often, especially when I feel like I need to make a tough decision that goes against the majority or do something difficult in order to stand up for my own values and be who I want to be. 

“And let anklebiters chew up and spit out someone else.”

Hayley Williams from Paramore stated that the song is about “listening to your heart, and what do you want out of life? Who do you want to be? Versus all this outside influence that I think we get so caught up in, especially in the age of the Internet and all the different opinions that we hear so loudly every day.” My communications classes this semester have led me to reflect on my own social media usage and I’ve realized that it is even more unhealthy than I thought. Often, it makes me feel like I’m living my college years the wrong way.

“Fall in love with yourself…” 

It’s easier said than done, but the truth is that everyone has their own path. For me, the hardest part is seeing a certain path constantly portrayed in the media and realizing that that path is not mine. It makes me worry that I’m not making the most out of this time of my life. However, when I take a step back, I realize that I’m beyond happy with my decisions, my life, and myself.

“Why do you wanna please the world and leave yourself to drop dead?”

When I do what I want to do and follow my own gut and heart, I’m far happier than when I try to force myself into the fictional, nonexistent college-student mold perpetuated by social media. Even though I worry that I’m doing things the “wrong” way because my experience doesn’t mirror the one I see on Instagram and TV and in movies, I would rather follow my own path than follow one that makes me feel like I am betraying myself. And sometimes, that path involves intaking less social media than before.

“Someday you’re gonna be the only one you’ve got.”

Listen to Anklebiters here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CWhPozi7Kg&list=OLAK5uy_kvSodSg6OoxQ2hbAhPXr1qiaCviDcRXCs&index=10

“Fire up the Batmobile”

When I’m feeling overwhelmed or upset, my first instinct is to be alone. This can be physically alone, like staying alone in my room, or mentally alone, like walking the crowded streets where I know I will not be recognized or talked to. Taking time away – taking a step back – helps me calm down and reconnect with myself, my desires, and my values.

“‘Cause I gotta get out of here.”

As much as I love being able to take a necessary step back, I’ve realized that running away will not solve any problems that I may be experiencing. Regardless, taking time to clear my head so I can react to a problem rationally instead of emotionally is something that I value. Most likely, the problem I face is internal, and those kinds of problems would follow me no matter how remote a place I could travel to.

“It’s the mouth of the gift horse I know,” 

That’s what makes it important for me to remember to not take a permanent step back. I can compose myself and collect my thoughts for a moment, but I need to get back on my game as soon as possible in order to continue bettering myself and my life. If I don’t take action for self-improvement, I’ll end up running forever, and I know I don’t want that for myself.

“But I gave it my best shot.”

Like Liz Phair sings in today’s song Batmobile, sometimes when I feel like I am not being heard or understood I feel the need to flee, and that’s okay, provided I eventually come back and fight for the change that I want. Time to reflect is often necessary for me to ensure I am making a good decision, and after I reflect, I will come back in full force and proceed with confidence.

“I gave you the performance of a lifetime.”

Listen to Batmobile here: https://youtu.be/7Mfs0019kgo

“I’m right on time, and the birds keep singing,”

Coming back to Ann Arbor has been as anxiety-inducing as it has been exciting. I am fortunate to have such a good relationship with my family, so it’s always hard for me to leave home. While it is hard to say goodbye, I know that being at school and surrounded by my friends here is a much more fulfilling experience for me than the relaxing, sleeping in, and spending hours on social media I did for most of break.

“And you’re right on line, and the bells keep ringing,”

Unfortunately, I’ve returned to a different type of Ann Arbor than I remember leaving. I once again have the majority of my classes online (albeit temporarily, fingers crossed), friends isolating with COVID-19, and constant stress and anxiety about leaving my room and being near others.

“And the battle is won, and the planes keep winging,”

It’s great to be back in Michigan, but this time my excitement is not without caution and hesitance. It is imperative to stay hopeful, but with the pandemic continuing to negatively impact our lives on a daily basis, it has been getting harder for me to stay positive. However, I plan on staying grateful, doing my best to keep myself and others safe, and remaining as hopeful as possible. So far, it’s the best way I’ve found to cope with the constant anxiety, changing information, and disappointing current statistics.

“And I’m right on time, and the girl keeps singing.”

Like PJ Harvey sings in today’s song entitled A Place Called Home, “One day I know we’ll find a place of hope.” I can only choose to hope that whatever hope we have left will help us make it out of the Omicron surge and through to the end of this pandemic. Stay smart, stay safe, stay hopeful, and go blue.

“One day there’ll be a place for us.”

Listen to A Place Called Home here: https://youtu.be/JqESjqQ-3Ko