Cabin Fever

Today it was finally spring and after a long winter, the sun finally peaked out from behind the clouds. With open jackets and scarves stuffed into pockets, people lingered in the diag rather than rushing between heated buildings.

As I lingered, my mind wandered. These past few months have been hard – crutches in winter is never ideal – and the sunlight began to melt away the cabin fever which had encroached on my normally positive outlook.

My wandering mind began to focus on what I want and what I wish for. Since December, all I’ve wanted is to be able to walk: to regain the freedom which crutches stole from me and become Alexandria again – not the gimpy girl on crutches. Now that I can walk again all I want is to dance.

I began studying ballet when I was four years old. Maybe it was all the attention I got because I was slightly better than the rest of the girls, or maybe at age 4 I somehow realized a fraction of the power that the arts can have on the world – but whatever the reason I fell in love with ballet.

For 14 years ballet defined me. My ballet friends became my second family and I spent every waking moment at school or the studio. Yet the advantage which I had at age 4 had faded and by 18 I was a good, solid dancer but nothing exceptional. My quadruple pirouettes were inconsistent. My extension to the side never quite made it to my ear and because of this I would never be a Prima Ballerina with a professional company.

Giving up dance was one of the hardest decisions which I have ever made. While ballet defined me for years, endings are inevitable. Yet now, 2 years after giving up ballet and 2 months after crutches infected my life all I want is to dance: to feel the freedom and release of an arabesque turn or the power of a jeté. I have a few more months until that will be possible but I am looking forward to day.