Spontaneous! 4 Days Early

At the beginning of this year, I made the goal to actively learn something everyday. Call it a “New Year’s Resolution,” call it a “goal,” call it an aspiration: to be more self-reflective in the ways I grow and change and develop and (mis)form and queer and . . . and . . . .

I realized a couple days ago that my need/instinct to control everything about my life (planning, organizing, etc.) was getting in the way of me actually living. It got in the way of me interacting with others, myself, and the world. “I learned that I am stuck in a routine from which I cannot currently escape.”

Change it up. Be more spontaneous.

Instead of planning for things a week in advance (and not allowing myself to do activities that happen unexpectedly) I stopped. WHAT?! My Google calendar is still in full force but I have open gaps that I have my “spontaneous time.” If people ask me to do something tomorrow, I actually try to see if I can fit them in or see if I have free time instead of falling back on the usual, “Oh, I need to study,” or worse, “I’m too busy.”

Instead of loathing and meditating and harboring deep angst and anxiety about unexpected changes, I’m taking deep breaths, I’m listening to Jazz, and smelling the new fresh spring smell and moving forward.

Oh! So a snow storm hits and an event you’ve been planning for months at work falls through. Move on, replan, reschedule, breathe.

Oh! So a friend asks you to coffee and you DO have a half hour. Go get coffee.

Oh! So your lover will be in a nearby building and is on break for 15 minutes. Go walk over and say hello and catch up.

Simple things. Simple changes. Simple. Simple. Simple.

Well almost simple. It’s that time of the month (full moon time!) where I set aside reflective time to reevaluate, feel myself and the world, and meditate on living (4 days to go!). And as the cliche goes: all good things come in moderation.

My spontaneity has freed me and, also, stressed me out. It’s important to have balance, and I’m working at it.

A book came to me that I need to write (while reading Virginia Woolf) last week. So I’m going to write it. I’ve never really written prose fiction, but, you know what, now is the time.

And, for me, spontaneity is allowing me to explore, create, and begin my days a new. Something that hasn’t happened for a very long time.