Author: auzoije

i’m not the one to sound alarms
when there’s not an emergency,
when nothing ’round me would cause harm
or initiate urgency.

a crash, a boom, a slam, a bang,
the explosion of someone’s voice
can leave me grasping for somebody
to give me another choice.

it’s all at once, it’s always been,
and i know it always will be,
but every time i think of this
i wonder how this world is free

since i’m not made to handle things
of multitude, for i am just
a person with a complex mind
of particles that come from dust.

and who really isn’t just that?
is anybody else around
to witness nature’s caveat,
the deaf’ning, overwhelming sound?

because i know i’m not alone,
but it truly does seem like so
when i go in search of my own
and all i get is told to go.

so what to do in such a state?
a person who is nothing but
as moved and living as the late
can only pull their eyes closed shut.

unless, of course, there was a hand
to hold and have and know and pass
through all the hurt and turmoil that
come with this life, this knowing path

of crashes, booms and slams and bangs,
of letting that heaviness hang,
of knowing even on your own
you’ll never truly alone.

emergency! emergency!
a social peril, a dire need

to be together, joined at once,
to fight the good fight attonce

“to have and to hold,”
but what is left in my arms if not empty platitudes
if i forget to take action with my love.

i’m made of the dignity i was born with,
of the earth beneath me, the sky above me,
the insects and mammals and fish around me,
of the people around me.

i am tied to them forever.

with all of my dreams of leaving myself behind,
as long as there are others i will always be here.

marriage is a promise to another
and the public
that someone’s story will be a part of yours,
has been a part of yours,
for better or for worse.

i am married to my past, my present, my future,
to my former footsteps and the dirt that surrounds them.
i am married to my loved ones, my peers,
and those who will never love me back.
i am part of something greater, something better,
something bigger than me or anyone that i could think of.

marriage, really, is everywhere and in everything that you can think of.
just like love, and just like hope.
i will have this peace. i will hold my loved ones.
now and forever.

i remember when i was nothing but Hope

i remember when i thought that my Hope was enough
to save the world.
when i felt that everything was to be done right.
when i had the answer to absolutely everything
and nothing could change it.

in elementary school i was always
running to be the line leader,
to tell my peers to buckle up
and wait their turns
and stand up straight
and quiet down
and then it’d all be fixed.

and i remember wanting to be president.
to solve world hunger and bring world peace,
to bring a better life.
the eyes of a child and the eyes of an idealist
are one in the same, and
both are so very needed.

my eyes grow dimmer,
my prescription weaker,
and i have cataracts on my soul, my spirit,
and i can barely see the light anymore.

the Hope, it persists nonetheless
like a echo.
it has lasted far longer than i ever thought it would.
i can even hear it now.

but it is dying, slowly and steadily, no matter how many times i resucitate it.

i now see those who i love and care for
who i worry and fear for
being told by others who will never care to know my loved ones
to buckle up
and wait their turns
and stand up straight
and quiet down

to listen up
and quickly move
and shut their mouths
and stay alert
and don’t speak up
and don’t resist
and don’t you dare.

and to refuse would be risking everything.
i fear for those risking everything.
i fear for them, and for those who will be told they’re risking everything
no matter what they do.

when do you cry for help?
when it is too late? when you’re there just in time?

where is our line leader. does such a person, such an entity, even exist.

will it ever.

push your cries down here,
and hold yourself to the promise you made.
you were born to be great, and you must die great.
your fortune is no mistake,
and it is not your fortune alone.

there is no way to go back now
unless you want to prove everything anyone ever said to you.
are you worthy?
do you belong here?
will you ever?
people who are not like you may
never have to question this.
people who are not like you may
never have to face this.

there is no real way to succeed, but
there is surely a way to fail.
you can see it so clearly in front of you, the
height of your anxieties
seeping in and
making you lesser.

when you be more than what you acheive?
have you even been allowed to be more than that?
will you ever be more than that?

i dream of a future where i am nothing more than a person
with a house and a cat.
a future where my job means nothing to others
and everything to me.
a future where i am no longer nervous about construction.
where i do not feel lonely in crowds or anxious in circles.

when will i start measuring up to this.

will i ever stop measuring.