Author: dai

i hope everyone’s been eating well recently, and staying hydrated. if you haven’t drank water yet today this is your sign to do so!

this week’s diary sketch (◡̈ ):

this week’s diary entry（˶′◡‵˶）:

i’ve been on masculinizing HRT for over 3 months. during this process my body has already experienced numerous unfamiliar changes, but the one that’s been affecting me the most is also the one that i didn’t expect. outside of a (honestly much needed) breakdown on my birthday, i haven’t cried in the past 4 months. i knew beforehand that a change in my emotions was possible after starting HRT, but this was something that i hadn’t seen much about online.

pre-T, i usually cried at least once a month. while there were some longer “cry-less” periods, they were generally few and far in-between. now, while i feel like i have a clearer view of my emotions, i also feel like i’m unable to feel them as intensely. i can still laugh and feel joy, but everything else feels muted, like i’m emotionally blunted. i never thought i’d miss the feeling of being deeply upset, but now it almost feels suffocating without the cathartic release of crying.

i recently talked about this with a trans femme friend of mine. they shared that pre-E, they felt similarly to how i do now. but after being on estrogen for years, they’ve found that they can feel their emotions much more deeply than before. last friday, when we watched “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” together, there were times when i felt that i should’ve been moved—like i should’ve felt something deep, maybe even teared up. a few months ago, i probably would’ve. but i could barely feel anything at all, and that was frustrating. i could only squirm on my couch, feeling only the tiniest bit of emotion, as something absolutely devastating happened on-screen.

it’s a shame that studies on trans and non-binary people who’ve medically transitioned in some way are relatively scarce. not only does it prevent genderqueer people from having information about gender-affirming care, i think it’s also just an incredibly interesting topic. hormones like T and E are the emotional regulators of the body, and switching from one to the other is known to cause changes, broadly speaking. but how much are the “sex-related behaviors” we typically associate with “men” and “women” a result of hormones, and how much is due to social conditioning and other external factors?

for example, there’s a stereotype that “more T = more anger/aggression,” but we can’t really know if that’s true. and if some pattern does exist, how much of that is a result of how cis men are socialized, versus the fact that T is known to tighten tear ducts, which might make crying less of an emotional outlet? it might mean that people with higher T find other ways to express their emotions, which could look more aggressive—like yelling or wanting to hit things. if i had to guess, it’s probably some combination of all of the above: culturally defined gendered behaviors, hormones, and other factors that we don’t often account for.

my friend once complained to me about a man she’d gone on a few dates with, who mentioned that he hadn’t cried since he was a young teenager. she had no ill will against him, but was genuinely taken aback how someone could be so “emotionally stunted”. it reminded me of what my mom once told me about my dad, how the only time she’s seen him cry in over 30 years of marriage was at his father’s funeral. while i value the emotional clarity i’ve gained these past months, i can’t help but commiserate with those unable to cry. finally being able to cry on my birthday (in what was a culmination of bad memories, overstimulation, lack of seclusion, and overwhelming emotions), was extremely refreshing. it had felt like a dam breaking open. i can’t imagine going years–even decades–without that release.

i’m not trying to speak for how men feel their emotions—this is all my experience. but i do feel like i can understand some of the people in my life a little better now. at the very least, this experience has made me consider their internal experiences more. i wonder how my father, who’s always felt like a closed book to me, feels everything. while i always understood on some level that others process and feel their emotions differently than i do, it wasn’t until this experience that i was able to truly feel it.

i’m not looking to fully transition, so i know i won’t be on T forever. but it’s something that i’m still glad i started, even with some of these unexpected changes. i also know that this is just my personal experience on T—again, i’m not speaking for how either trans or cis men feel their emotions. many trans-masc people don’t feel any emotional blunting at all. for all i know, this could be an unrelated issue, or something that completely changes once my hormones are more balanced. but i can say this experience has given me insight on my own gender expression, and made me reflect on gender in a broader societal context as well.

-dai

⊹ ₊ ⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ ♡˚₊‧⁺ ₊ ⊹

weekly recommendations!!

• book: Ma and Me by Putsata Reang
• album: Souvlaki by Slowdive
• show/movie: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
• food: Gobi Manchurian

this week’s diary entry（˶′◡‵˶）:

hey everyone : ) anyone else feel like they’ve been in a weird rut this past week? or maybe just since coming back from spring break, it feels like i’ve been in an never-ending game of catching up on everything. at the same time, i’m approaching the last few weeks of my college career, and am prioritizing spending time with people that i may not be seeing for a long time. right now, im with a few friends on the shoreline of lake Michigan, ignoring the piling amount of work i’m supposed to have done by this week. but, at least i’m having a good time!

this week’s diary sketch (◡̈ ):

like a lot of college students, it feels like my life is constantly changing. this year in particular, i’ve felt like i’m starting over in so many ways—forming new relationships, challenging old habits, and trying to push myself. but as i’m approaching the end of my last semester, i’m also being confronted with the reality that everything is about to change. most of my friends have an attitude of “why commit to something new when we’re only a few weeks away from leaving?” another friend’s “situationship” recently ended on the grounds of not wanting to commit to a serious relationship that would end by August.

and it makes sense. there’s a certain helplessness in knowing that a big change, one that’s out of control, is coming. all we can do is watch it approach and brace for impact. at the same time, i find myself somewhat resisting that way of thinking. why view life as a series of disconnected chapters, each one sealed off from the next? knowing that this period in my life is ending soon means i want to experience as much as possible here before i leave. things will change, but things have already been changing, constantly, quietly, our entire lives. maybe the milestones and drama are the most memorable, but i’ve found that real change happens in the aftermath of the storm. sometimes it happens so slowly that you don’t even notice, but that doesn’t make it any less grand. every week, i find myself doing something new, learning something new, thinking something new. i still find myself fighting old habits and thought patterns.

so why not embrace the change? the knowledge that this phase of my life is ending soon doesn’t make me want to slow down—it makes me want to take in as much as I can before I go. there will always be an ending ahead, but there will also always be something after it. once I graduate, I don’t think that will change.

sorry for the short post, like i said, things are a bit busy this week. but i hope everyone is doing well!

⊹ ₊ ⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ ♡˚₊‧⁺ ₊ ⊹

weekly recommendations!!

• book: Sula by Toni Morrison
• album: 只因當時太緊張 (Zhi Yin Dang Shi Tai Jin Zhang) by my little airport
• show/movie: Saving Face
• food: Chili Paneer

hello! hope everyone is doing okay this week.

this week’s diary sketch (◡̈ ):

this week’s diary entry（˶′◡‵˶）:

i was reflecting on things like nostalgia and girlhood recently, and was reminded of Look Back. it’s a movie adaptation of the one-shot manga by Tatsuki Fujimoto, which I watched last summer with a few friends in Michigan Theater. without getting into spoilers (but be warned if you’re planning on watching it!), the movie follows the relationship of two very different girls, Fujino and Kyomoto, from childhood to young adulthood, who bond over their shared passion for drawing manga. their relationship is marked by competition, idolization, and pride, but also love. art is simultaneously what made and broke their relationship. i would not call the story a particularly joyful one, but i would call it a beautiful one—i found myself deeply touched by it.

aside from the beautiful animation, it brought back memories of my own childhood friendships and the power of art as a source of passion and bonding. i started drawing in middle school, inspired by one of my closest friends at the time. it was an exciting hobby, something i could obsess at getting better at. i ended up becoming deeply close with her—holding hands, dreaming that we’d attend art school together, and live together after. in other words, she was probably my first love.

but by my later years of high school, my love for art had gone through a consistent cycle of waxing and waning (though more the latter). i still enjoyed it, but i had less passion for it, spending weeks on end without touching my sketchbook. our collective fantasy of pursuing art as our lifelong careers silently fell through; simultaneously, it felt like our bond grew less deep. after graduating, we ended up attending different universities, halfway across the country. while we stayed in touch, our friendship drifted from the simple innocence and sweetness that it used to have. part of that is inevitable in the process of maturing and changing (especially so far away from each other), but i couldn’t help but miss what we used to have.

recently, she told me that she doesn’t find joy in drawing anymore. i found myself oddly upset after reading her text, like a sense of grieving in my chest, another reminder of how much we’ve changed and the past dreams that had fallen through.

to me, Look Back was about a sort of nostalgic regret, while also being a celebration of art and the artists who have given themselves to their creations. i think artistic creation and the deep bonds we share with others mutually foster each other. and i couldn’t help but see the ways that Fujino and Kyomoto paralleled my own relationships. like theirs, my relationships inevitably lost their innocence, irrevocably changed from their sweet beginnings. like theirs, i’ve had to take steps away from the past in order to look towards a better future. like theirs, some of my bonds have been broken, permanently.

but Look Back also represents girlhood. the two characters held a bond that was both simple and extremely deep. they grew and changed together, leaving a permanent mark within another. they found comfort and joy in each other, and dreamt that they would be together forever. regardless on whether that came to fruition, and how things have ended or changed, i value every love i was ever able to have.

-dai

⊹ ₊ ⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ ♡˚₊‧⁺ ₊ ⊹

weekly recommendations!!

• book: Notes of a Crocodile – Qiu Miaojin
• album: Sister by Sonic Youth
• show/movie: Look Back
• food: shredded chicken bánh mì

hi everyone (•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑ my name is dai / 戴丽 (they/TA) and welcome to my series! i was previously an arts, ink. columnist as a freshman, and have just returned to arts, ink as a (much more experienced) senior. my new series will basically act as a web diary, embodying my weekly wandering thoughts through sketches and ramblings in the hopes that anyone can relate (or at the very least, spark some reflection in a reader or two). i hope that i will keep myself accountable in sitting down and reflecting every week here!

this week’s diary sketch (◡̈ ):

this week’s diary entry（˶′◡‵˶）:

in this week’s entry, i wanted to talk about confidence and self-perception. like many people, i grew up kind of “ugly”, though i didn’t really know it. i finished middle school and most of high school with very little awareness and even less dating experience. it was only when i started college, eager to dive head-first into an exciting pool of new experiences, that i started exploring dating apps, going on blind dates (that always failed), and getting with random strangers on Necto Friday nights. looking back, i was both insecure and brazen in my confidence.

now, as a senior, i feel like i’ve finally developed a stronger sense of self, something achieved only through a painful process of letting go of what used to feel right. i like to think i’ve gained individuality, maturity, and confidence. naturally, that’s come with greater self-awareness of myself and my body. in fact, until a few months ago, i dont think i even really knew what my face or body looked like.

but what’s strange is that now that i’ve gained this awareness, i’ve become more controlling and anxious of myself. even when i’m alone, i find myself constantly evaluating myself from an outside perspective. somewhere during this process of self-discovery, i’ve become more anxious. despite the fact that i’m perceived as more “desirable” than before, i can’t do a lot of the things i did freshman year, like going on blind dates. the idea of putting myself out there gives me a sense of uneasiness, the type that makes you feel like your throat is closing up.

recently, i had a chat with a friend about this. it was past midnight, and we were sitting under the warm, dim kitchen light in my apartment. she quoted Margaret Atwood at me: “you are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. you are your own voyeur.” she had prefaced it with, “i’m sure you already know this quote…” (i nodded yeah, even though i hadn’t). even as someone who’s queer, who does not identify as a woman or seek out men romantically, i find myself relating a lot to that quote. particularly when I present femininely, i catch myself watching from an outside perspective—and in doing so, reaching for some feminine beauty standard, especially in clubbing or dating contexts.

my friend continued by arguing about how sexualization and objectification aren’t the same thing. people are used to being the “subject” in their thoughts. but when they are forced to view themselves from an outside perspective, you suddenly become the object, creating that feeling of uncomfortableness and dissonance with yourself. this sense of objectification is not limited to sexual contexts, but also racial or cultural ones where someone may be depersonalized due to their race or other aspects of their identity.

W.E.B. Dubois has written about the idea of double consciousness, which describes how black Americans experience a “peculiar sensation” of always looking at themselves through the eyes of others, particularly white society, who views them through a lens of racism and marginalization. don’t get me wrong, my experience and privilege as a light-skinned east Asian is very different to that of black Americans. yet, i’ve always related to the feeling of “two-ness” that Dubois described. even as a young child, i was hyperaware of my race and how i was being viewed as a girl and an Asian. because of this, i’ve always felt a conflict between my internal identity as an individual and the external perception of that identity. in response, i would actively counteract the way I believed I was being racially and femininely perceived through my behavior and dress. finding out who i am and which people i want to surround myself by has been incredibly helpful, but i still find myself feeling this way at times.

my own feelings of uncomfortability rises from being perceived in ways that i know differ from my internal identity. the more aware i become of my body and other’s perceptions of me, the more i can cater myself into something stylish, interesting, and charming. at the same time, i become more anxious about my image and feel less like myself.

i wonder if anyone feels something similar. is the real answer not to engage in “self-improvement”, but “self-neutrality”? to yourself and body? how do i be both self-aware and comfortable with external perception? does having a “glow up” really mean you’ve gained confidence or self-acceptance? i don’t know, but i hope this made anyone who reads this reflect. sorry for the excessively long first post, see you next week!

-dai

⊹ ₊ ⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ ♡˚₊‧⁺ ₊ ⊹

weekly recommendations!!

• book: Martyr! – Kaveh Akbar
• album: We’re Not Here To Be Loved – Fleshwater
• show/movie: Mob Psycho 100
• food: chicken mofongo

This week, I drew some pixel art for a small video game I designed for a class I’m taking, COMPFOR 121. The premise is basically to avoid the “Sheriff” and the cacti while “wrangling” cows. If the cactus or Sheriff touches you, you lose health. But if you touch the cow, you wrangle it. You have to try to wrangle 10 cows before you lose all your health. I’ve never done pixel art or made a video game before, but it was honestly pretty fun! I always liked the ideas of Cowboys, and I think the colors went really well with the desert scene.

By the way, if you want to play it, you can do so here: Side Scroller Video Game: Pixel Cowboy

Just press the Green Flag icon in the upper right hand corner, and use space and the left/right arrows to move!