The Poem That’s Getting Me Through Midterms

In the heat of midterm season, I’m thinking about Elizabeth Bishop’s poem One Art. As I procrastinate and study and go to events and feel the pulse of life racing madly everyday, I think about how I can’t get yesterday back, or the day before that, or today will pass and so will tomorrow. The passage of time feels like a kind of destruction, a loss, a sacrifice that I must helplessly participate in. And Bishop’s poem encapsulates this anxiety so eloquently and ironically in a poem; she writes:

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

It sneaks up on you, and it seems very profound in the beginning– initially, I thought the poem what about the burdens of materialism, or the issues with attaching yourself to human or tangible things (“door keys”, your “mother’s watch”, “three loved houses”). However, the poem progressively becomes more obsessive, spiraling into a chaotic frenzy of losing everything, of owning and loving and finding meaning in nothing:

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

To me, it becomes something of an existentialist plea for meaning– this author is saying, to some degree, whether she knows it or not, Nothing matters. And everything is fine, because nothing matters. And finally, she drops the huge bomb at us in the end, the absolute sarcastic remark that seems to be hiding a deep inner turmoil:

—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

But this last paragraph reveals her true feelings. Bishop cares about what happens.

The poet can’t really fully will herself to believe that nothing matters because if she did, she wouldn’t be feeling anything– but she does feel something. It doesn’t matter that she uses a “joking voice, a gesture” she loves, or that she painfully admonishes herself to “(Write it!)”– screw that! She cares about what happens, and even if everything in her life is lost, if everything and everyone that she loves is destroyed, she is silently, quietly counteracting that by creating this poem— something she can control. I cannot help but feel like there is particular double weight to the word “art” here– something that helps her lose and destroy, perhaps, but more importantly, helps her create.

In the midst of academic frenzy and the crazy on-goings of everyday life, I’m sometimes forced to forfeit and run on autopilot– wake up, do the stuff, scrabble to bed to get my seven hours, and repeat. But I care about what happens, I put love and passion into the work that I do, and that’s what matters.

This poem is a shout into the void, as all poems are, but beautiful– a declaration that I was here. I existed. And I matter. And perhaps that’s something we need to remember this time of year.

 

(Read Bishop’s incredible poem here: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/47536/one-art)

Monday, 7:30 AM

The alarm blares, dragging my groggy mind back to a harsh reality: it’s Monday morning and I have to get to class on north campus. I quickly turn off the ringing and glance over my shoulder to make sure I haven’t woken up my roommate. I’m safe.

I roll over, carefully slinging my pajama-clad body over the side of the bed, my toes landing on the cold wood floor. I open the drawers of my dresser, begrudgingly selecting a sweater and jeans. After running a brush through my unkempt hair, brushing my teeth while my suitemates slumber, and lacing up my sneakers, I pick up my backpack and head out.

Moments later, I saunter over to the dining hall, a familiar morning welcome. There’s a spread of students enjoying a solitary breakfast. I grab a mug, filling it to the brim with hot tea. I load my plate with eggs, and plop down at an empty table.

Although no one generally likes Monday mornings, especially when the sky is still dark, I find these early minutes calming, and an opportunity to just relax before a hectic week. While I gulp down hot tea, I find a few seconds to clear my mind. Releasing stress and energy from the weekend, I feel my thoughts floating. It’s hard to describe, but I am free in the moment.

I look at the clock–8:10. It’s time to go. I get up and put my dishes away, grab my things, and walk outside into the brisk autumn air. The day begins.

What Makes the World Feel Small?

Hundreds of people of all ages crowded the Michigan Theater to see a presentation part of the Penny Stamps Distinguished Speaker Series: the Blue Planet and Planet Earth Production Teams: “Capturing the Wild.” The team traveled around the world to places you and I will probably never see in order to expose the beautiful planet we call home.

To introduce the evening, the representative from the U-M Museum of Natural History’s William R. Farrand Memorial Lecture announced the museum’s grand reopening, special thanks to the support from U-M Institute for the Humanities. Then the lights went out and the room was pitch black. Out of the darkness, the audience saw a piercing light from the ceiling. Under the light is a helmet. Then attached to the helmet, a man descended from the ceiling attached to a rope assembly with the headlamp. Tim Fogg. What an entrance. He, the rope access specialist, landed and met his wife and co-specialist, Pam Fogg, on stage to share their experience in making Planet Earth and its companion BBC show, Blue Planet Production. I was astounded by the teamwork necessary to make this film happen. Other speakers include Hugh-Jones and Rachael Butler. Without going too far into details in the production, it was clear that they and anyone else on the team each served as a vital part of the team, and in very particular ways. For example, Hugh-Jones discussed how the videocamera needs to be on a completely flat surface, but in nature, this is hard to come by…especially on a cliff in the polar regions. While they were shooting the gaping glacier entrance, they wanted to get the perfect angle to view the opening of the cave which would be from the middle of the glacial wall surrounding the entrance, stacking thousands of feet above ground. So, they had an expert team (of what I would guess are mastermind physicists) contruct a platform INTO THE GLACIAL WALL. It was somehow suspended safety into the steep siding and steady for the videographer to sit for hours on end while they get the best coverage. Another element that amazed me was the exclusive sitings that they had to strategic placement of cameras based on knowledge of the land (for this job a biologist or zoologist seems suitable) and the animals that inhabit the land. This photo was taken by a camera hidden alongside a mountain.

Not to mention the patience during this entire process! So two things that I wondered during this presentation:

  1. How many different careers were pooled into the Planet Earth team? The presentation accounted for potentially pilots, physicists, zoologists, videographers, divers, doctors…what else? This is reassuring to young people out there who don’t know what to do with their career paths. With such a diverse team, maybe you too could apply your skills to the Planet Earth group.
  2. If these people have traveled all over the world to places unseen by man, does the world feel small to them? What is it that makes the world feel small? Is it traveling to many places? Or knowing many people? Reading many books about different cultures? What do you think?

Fall Tropes

Every season has fun activities that people associate with it and they look forward to doing these activities when the season gets closer.  The activities tend to vary based on where you live because the weather tends to dictate what activities are doable. It in the Midwest activities for summer are going to the beach and playing in a pool, for winter it’s sledding and building snowmen and having a fire indoors, for spring it’s being able to not wear winter coats and walking outside again, and for fall it’s pumpkin carving and sweater weather.  Fall has a range of activities that people look forward to based on their interests in particular.

A lot of fall activities rely around Halloween, because Halloween is the main event that happens during the season.  Some Halloween fall related activities include haunted houses, trick or treating, and Halloween parades. These activities are directly related to Halloween, but a lot of other fall activities are associated with Halloween even though they are not directly related to it.  Some of these activities include pumpkin picking, apple orchards, and corn mazes. While carving pumpkins is a specific Halloween activity, going pumpkin picking is not. These activities get lumped into the same category because they happen around the same time because November might be too cold to do them.

Other fall activities are not related to Halloween, but are related to being back to school.  The main thing that this includes is football season. Fall is the season for high school, college, and professional football.  While professional football continues into the winter, high school and college generally do not. This means that for a lot of people across America, the leaves changing colors means football seasons and Saturdays being taken over by tailgates and football games.  This is especially true at the University of Michigan. Game day is the most popular day of the week for the entirety of football season (a.k.a. fall).

Fall also means seasonal retail items, mostly pumpkin flavored things.  Only in the fall can one find pumpkin bread and pie at the grocery store, and a pumpkin latte at Starbucks.  This is when people go overboard of consuming their favorite fall themed things, not only food. Fall scented candles and decorations with leaves and acorns on them also increase because they reflect the weather.

This happens with each season, fall is just particularly noticeable because people associate so many things with this one season unlike the others.

Last paradise

Fall break… it’s finally here, ya’ll!

We wolverines have been dying from the start of the school year with the conflicts between our ambitions, future aspirations, interpersonal relationships, and academic adjustments. Or at least, this is what most wolverines would say honestly, if you asked them.

We are toiling daily, barely living our lives here. Classes are a challenge, maybe feeling increasingly less so if we are adjusting appropriately, yet our hygiene suffers. We barely exercise, let alone shower, we get sick more easily, and (if lucky) eat a meal a day.  But I suppose this description of college life is different depending on who you ask; but generally everyone here is busy ALL the time, no joke.

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So, break is here. Chill guys!

Use this to actually take a break from everything; you’ll need this time to relax and refuel, as it is necessary to keep us from burning up from over-exhaustion. Yeah… sounds cliche, but things are cliche for a reason; typically because they’re true.

So, drop your homework, grab your buddies, travel, GET OUT AND HAVE FUN! LIVE YOUR LIFE! Even if that means staying indoors and marathon-ing Neflix shows, just do anything that you enjoy doing and have been abandoning for school for such a long time. Even if you’re a workaholic and decide to drop all of your responsibilities for just a few hours, hey, at least it’s still a few hours’ work of refreshing your own mind. Like the saying goes, “Time enjoyed is not time wasted.”

 

The Continuing Limbo

feel a tightness in my chest

only to realize

i’ve been holding my breath

its been a dry well

parched for awhile

 

nevertheless

i bundle up every night

and eavesdrop on

conversations i will never be 

a part of

i’ve always existed in a continuum

of being in between

because i never truly fit in

despite trying

living a life of limbo

 

(Afterthoughts)

In some way or another we can relate to this. Sometimes we are caught in between, pressured to choose between two identities/groups. Yet maybe we can live in the middle. We don’t have to choose either one. Its possible, that we can inhabit two identities and yet still be, a whole person. Indeed that is something we all have to learn to be comfortable with, living in the crux of in betweens. If we can understand that some truths manifest in shades of gray instead of black and white, surely we wear more than one identity/label for ourselves.

I catch myself always having to choose between two identities. Are you Chinese or Malay? Are you a member of clique A or clique B? Introvert or extrovert? Liberal or conservative? Why do you remain ever so mysterious?

Just as I am pressured to ascribe to one identity, I back away quickly from both sides. And that is how I continuously live in a limbo. Just as I start getting closer to a group of friends, I catch myself wondering if I truly belong or just merely a visitor. What am I in this space? Am I a stranger-turned-member? Maybe I want to live in that shade of gray, neither one or another, just so I can understand both sides of the conversation. Outsiders to the group tell me their unsolicited opinions about the group. Granted, their views are valid. But being in the group also makes me understand the members and strangely I feel at home there too. I don’t intentionally choose to be occupying two spaces and be a stranger and a member all the same. I just find myself in such circumstances. Nevertheless, this limbo comes with the anxiety of asking myself, “Should I intervene when I sense conflict?”, “Should I tell them what people think of them?” or even importantly, “What if I got it all wrong and things are actually not as they seem?”.

However, wearing multiple identities has its perks too. It means you can mix with both groups, yet never be fully categorized as either one. It also means more social invitations from both groups. If I ever needed to take a step back, I can be alone, and contemplate my place in the group or identities people associate me with. In the end, ideally I hope we don’t ever have to need labels to truly identify where and how we have come to belong in a place. Labels, identities are necessary for us to find meaning in communities we choose to engage in, but these labels will only be a part of us, never to define us.

I’m not struggling with these identities anymore. I am content with being neither one or another, because it has allowed me to live in the grayest shade. I will not let labels define me.