aSoSS 29 | Terror

I get stressed out when people don’t take in the environment around them.

AADL Downtown, 10AM, 8/31/2024

absorbed should have a much more negative connotation than it carries. you are so full that there is nothing left of you. no more capacity to love, to help, to notice. you successfully create an alternate reality that only you can see: everything cut off, no inputs from above, the plane has lost its radar. to pop the fantasy like a balloon feels like slicing into flesh, attention spreading rapidly from the cut. your eyes finally look up–and then, like an infection, the condition switches to me…


I can handle suspense, I can handle horror, but I can’t handle blood… that’s why I hate the Saw movies.

Salvation Army, 5:00PM, 10/14/2024

you are counting the age of a dead child. she lies immobile, chest heaving in the wind. a good pretender, i’ll admit. perished from inside, limbs left to rot. there are flowers where her fingers used to be. i grab a bone and snap it, relishing the crunch, the final release of form. to grow for decades and disappear in one pinch–energy stored is energy gained, nothing is permanent except for a loss of permanence. from the middle of the stump, a seedling reaches for the sunlight. even in death, life always finds a way.


Dementia’s kinda kicking in, huh? But yeah, she’s in good spirits…

AADL Downtown, 4:30PM, 10/29/2024

look at the lips, how they twitch. the eyes, how they lead. beneath the scalp, an occupation–quick to burn, quicker to bleed. having no anchor will leave you stranded even in the harbor. the tide swells and the eddy swirls and you spin, around and around, forgetting which way is forward. we are privy to the comforts of a world unchanged, a diorama, a beetle encased in resin. up in the brain: more spirits, more childhood bedrooms, more confusion, more spinning. the mind’s eye, shattered into a thousand infinities, each one smaller than a drop of water.

Observer: Self-Expression

This album cover design for my friend Marshall’s Dewed Desire reflects the album’s theme of selfcare within our desires. The character, symbolizing us, struggles against hands that represent
different desires—success, ambition, homesickness, and America’s allure. Inspired by Persona 5
Royal, the Desire Frog embodies hidden, deep-seated desires. Hands holding the frog signify our
protective yet conflicted relationship with desire, while swords and wings represent self-care tools
that both defend and empower. Through music and art, this cover design captures the delicate
balance of embracing and managing our desires.

Witness the Small Life – Food for Thought

“If food be the music of love, cook on!” -Me misquoting Shakespeare

If there’s one thing that gets me through my arduous days, it’s the thought of coming home to create some wacky elaborate meal made from ingredients collected on my way home and whatever we have left in the fridge. If there’s one way to my heart, its through food! Whenever I eat anything I turn into that one scene from Ratatouille when Remy gets his grubby little paws on some cheese and strawberries and shapes and colors burst from his head. The ability to create something so joyous that the only way to enjoy it is through pure tactile experience is just impeccable to me.

Recently, I’ve been going out of my way to learn new recipes and kitchen technique to elevate my love for not only eating but for cooking. As a kid I learned how to cook the ready to eat meals from our freezer and pantry because I wanted to learn how that kitchen magic happened. From then I started to experiment more in my cooking endeavors with adding a dash of a sauce here and there or testing out if I could replace milk with heavy cream to make a boxed mac and cheese better (from my experience the answer is yes). As a college student on a quite tight budget I’ve had to get even more crafty with my substitutions and additions in my meals. Although I spend much of my day creating pieces for my studio classes and stretching the limits of my mind, I find the creativity I exert in my cooking process to be a very freeing form of expression outside of my artistic practice. I love being able to make something that can not only nourish my body but also my mind and my creative spirit. Being able to share this creation, whether it be with my family or my roommates, also feeds my happiness just as much. I never really considered food and cooking to be an artistic form, or at least I never really thought too much into it, but reflecting on my relationship to cooking has made me realize that it’s just as much an artistic practice as the work I do in the studio. There’s so much skill, wisdom, problem-solving, and love that gets put into the act of cooking that I feel I often forget about but still experience every time I cook. I feel so lucky on the days I’m able to be in the kitchen making something that makes me happy. The kitchen truly is the heart of a home as I think back to all the memories created through cooking with or just standing around and talking amongst loved ones. Even if you’re not a fan of cooking, I hope you’re able to still find joy in this special act of creation and sharing.

To take into our next week:

Ins: POTATOES!!!!, fermentation, layering like an onion, a cheesy sense of humor, having an adventurous palette, flexibility and not being afraid of a little substitution.

Outs: Not dressing up for a halloween party (you know who you are), upturning your nose at unfamiliar things, stirring the pot a little too much, being a pot and calling the kettle black, having more than your fair share.

Compliments to the chefs in the audience and I hope you didn’t mind my corniness too much in this week’s entry ;P

Fading Colors

The blue fades into a warm yellow, and ultimately into darkness. I snapped this photo on my way back home, and this picture reminds me a lot of painting. With how the colors match and blend perfectly, I am reminded of music. Especially tempo, the blend of colors, releases a soft and steady beat. I can see a resemblence of a series of notes transcending up the keys. Especially with the architecture that makes up the beautiful law quad, it matches the mood of the sun setting, with the twinkling of the street lamps.

With this picture, I see Debussy’s works. Specifically, “Rêverie”, the notes perfectly blend together to produce a series of wandering sounds (Rêverie). This piece reminds me of a gentle good night song, transforming into a dreamy world. Much like the contents of this picture (the colors, street lamps, and night setting), Debussy’s “Rêverie” soothing sounds, encapsulate the beauty of fading colors. 

Crooked Fool: Who are the “real” artists?

I recently closed a professional, devised show in Detroit. For anyone who isn’t familiar with this type of theatre, it basically involves a group of performers building an original show from the ground up, often utilizing games and improvisation. When we were rehearsing one day, I started moving along with a poem being read by another performer.

And then the question came: are you a dancer?

And oof, that’s a tough one.

So first of all, because I am stubborn, yes. In small part due to a random smattering of dance classes, mostly in adulthood, and in much larger part due to some pretty extensive physical theatre training, I have a degree of body awareness and creativity, and I move to express beauty and tell stories. So yes, I dance.

But that’s not what I told them.

“It’s complicated.”

I’ve taken some dance classes. I’ve tried out a lot of styles. I’ve done some work developing stamina, flexibility, and somatic awareness. But, despite the way I think about my own identity as an artist, I’m also keenly aware that there are plenty of people – many of them dancers – who would not view that label as accurate.

As a child, my dance training was limited to a few classes at the Y. I did not spend years in ballet or modern technique classes learning the correct ways to position my feet or perfecting my placement. Instead, when the theatres all closed during the pandemic and I ended up with a bunch of free time on my hands, I started taking adult dance classes. It started with various hip hop styles, such as popping, locking, and breaking, then branched into the somewhat scarier and certainly more daring circus arts, like silks, pole dancing, and parkour, before coming back down to Earth with styles like modern and contemporary. Even now, if somebody tried to verbalize some kind of choreography to me, it’s still a crapshoot whether I’ll have any idea what they’re talking about. Though it’s worth noting that I can do quite a lot if somebody explains movements in terms of body mechanics instead of dance vocabulary.

So, this time, I’ll pose the question to you: am I a dancer? Can I call myself a dancer if I didn’t spend my entire childhood learning technique and then ideally perfecting it in college? If my aesthetic is less “point your toes” and more “let’s try this weird thing and see if it looks cool?”

There’s a lot at stake in this question. How should I think of myself artistically? What are the “right” labels?

But most importantly: who gets to call themselves an artist?

Because if the only people who get to be artists are those who can afford thousands of hours of classes and do things the “right” way according to the standards of the dominant culture, that’s a really big problem.

First: how many hours of dance classes does it take to perfect the minutiae of technique? And more importantly, how many people can afford that many dance classes? As a kid, I sure couldn’t. I don’t necessarily think that there’s anything wrong with learning technique in dance or any art form. There’s definitely some benefit to have more tools to pull from when creating. But I do think there’s something inherently elitist and exclusionary in saying that there’s only one right way to create, and that only those with enough money and resources are allowed access.

The some obvious unfairness to telling people that if they can’t afford “real” training, they can’t be artists. But there’s an even bigger problem: by telling people that only those who can afford extensive training get to be “real” artists, we’re ensuring that art remains a domain only for the wealthy and powerful.

Narratives govern our lives. Tsubasa Yamaguchi famously said, “Art is a language without words,” and I’m inclined to agree. Because we can say more through the arts than we might be able to with words alone, making and sharing art in its various forms allows us the chance to challenge dominant narratives. If we tell ourselves the story that everything’s fine, nothing will change. But if we can alter the story we tell ourselves to say that change needs to happen, there’s some chance that it actually will. People will only try to change things if they believe something is wrong. Change the story, change reality.

So here’s the thing: if only the privileged make art, privileged narratives are perpetuated.

Part of moving towards a more just world is being open to expanding our ideas of what counts as normative, good, and beautiful. And in all of these cases, but particularly in regard to beauty, the arts have a unique ability to challenge entrenched ways of thinking and help us to see beauty in new places. By taking away the gatekeeping around what counts as a “real” artist, we allow more people the chance to challenge narratives that fail to acknowledge the beauty and goodness in those who don’t fit our reductionistic, colonized ideas of who “deserves” or has “earned” these labels, based either on having inherent traits that are favored, or by developing normative traits through conformity and compliance.

So what does it mean to tell me that I’m not a dancer? To say that because I move differently than I might if I had trained in more conventional ways from childhood, my body can never fit within the imposed parameters? What does it mean that my body, ever crooked due to scoliosis and sometimes uncooperative due to chronic illness, will never hold itself the exactly the way a dancer body “should?” If I can’t dance right, should I never dance at all?

Movement has been my primary means of managing chronic pain for years, and for this reason among many others, I refuse to believe that my identity as a creative mover, a researcher of my own body, as a DANCER should be locked up in an ivory tower that I can only access if I force my non-normative body to behave itself and cough up money and resources that I don’t have. Because then my body would just be another “weird,” “ugly” body that would never get to move at all. Movement should not be a privilege reserved for the white, cis, straight, or able-bodied.

George Washington Carver said, “Education is the key to unlock a golden door of freedom.” And I don’t necessarily disagree. I can still see the value in working with great teachers, getting feedback, introducing yourself to new ideas and aesthetics, and pushing yourself as an artist. But given the power dynamics and barriers still inherent in education and training, I don’t think it’s fair to lock people out and tell them their creativity and perspectives aren’t legitimate if they can’t access these things.

So yes – because I have put in the work to study my own body and explore various styles of dance, and because I am challenging notions of what physical beauty and expressive movement can be – I am a dancer.

~Sappy Daze~ Day 4

@#$%&!*

I like to swear. I swear 
I’m not bad or uncivilized.
I swear I’m a proper lady.

I swear on my life.

Hear me out: a knight who does not swear
is no knight. All knights must swear an 
Oath of Fealty for chivalrous conduct.

Here’s my oath: Oh my Lord, 
sweet Jesus Christ: I swear to 
you. Hear that? I swear to God!

I swear I only swear to prove that.

- Sappy