Author: Sydney Braun

“I’m sane, but I’m overwhelmed.”

I don’t like to dwell on the past, but this week has been one full of reflection for me. I’ve finally turned in the last of my final papers and taken the last of my exams for this rollercoaster of a semester, so there’s far less to occupy my brain than usual. Even though these past few months have had their fair share of good times and bad, I look back on my third semester of college and feel an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and gratitude.

“I’m lost, but I’m hopeful, baby.”

When I was rejected from what I thought was my dream school two years and one day ago, I didn’t know what my future was going to look like. Turns out, like Alanis Morissette says in her song Hand in My Pocket, “everything is just fine, fine, fine,” – I would argue that it’s even better than fine! That being said, it’s been stranger than I could have ever imagined. With the pandemic severely disrupting the end of my senior year of high school and transition into college, far more happened than I could have ever anticipated. However, even during the pandemic, I have never once regretted my choice to attend the University of Michigan, and that rejection letter that I got a little over two years ago turned out to be one of the best letters I have ever received in my life.

“And what it all comes down to”

I’m learning like I never have before, I’m meeting all kinds of fantastic new people, I’m figuring out who I am at a pace unlike any I’ve ever experienced, and I’m making friends for life. Michigan students aren’t lying when we chant “It’s great to be a Michigan Wolverine!” at the top of our lungs every chance we get. Although it’s been a stressful semester full of highs and lows, the good parts overshadow the bad.

“Is that everything’s gonna be fine, fine, fine.”

I am so overjoyed to have the privilege of attending the University of Michigan, and I am fortunate to be having such a life-changing experience here. While I’m looking forward to a much-needed break, I am looking forward to getting back to school in Ann Arbor even more.

Listen to Hand in My Pocket here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3OPJvjnJa0

“I don’t need a support system,”

It’s easy for me to get caught up in schoolwork. Personally, it’s one of my favorite places to be, completely engrossed in the essay that I am writing or the exam that I am studying for. Learning is something that I have always loved to do, and finals week puts my commitment to learning into overdrive. Unfortunately, during weeks like last week and this one, my fascination turns to reclusion.

“Put your hand on my heart and listen.”

The more time I spend away from people, the less time I want to spend with people, including my most beloved friends. I get used to my cycle of entering that special place of focus in my brain and sitting with one task for hours at a time to the point that any sort of social interaction is exhausting just to think about.

“What I need is a dedication to last me all the way through.”

The truth is that I rely on my friends when I am doing well, so I shouldn’t stop relying on them just because I feel overwhelmed. Like Liz Phair sings in Support System, support from loved ones should not stop when things get difficult. Especially during exam weeks, when nearly everyone is experiencing increased stress, there’s nothing wrong with reaching out and telling my friends that it’s been a crazy week for me as long as I take their mental well-being into account as well. In my experience, my friends are usually happy to know that I feel comfortable being honest about how I’ve been feeling and relieved to know that they are able to commiserate with me about the stress of wrapping up the semester, too.

“Pointing the finger, I’m counting on loving you.”

Staying up far later than I should have talking with friends last night might have made me more tired than usual today, but it also reminded me that I’m not alone. Just because I isolated myself to focus for a few days does not mean my support system is gone. Letting them know how I feel is important, too. It’s nothing personal against my friends, I just get caught up in my own world sometimes which leads to my own self-isolation. Telling my friends about this – and telling them that I miss them – is always a helpful step in our relationships. 

“Over and above the passion, I’m connected to you.”

Even though it’s an ongoing process for me to stop guilting myself for resting when there is still work to be done, taking breaks is necessary and healthy. Just because I don’t see my friends as often during busy and overwhelming weeks does not mean that we don’t still love each other, and I need to remember that when I once again have more time to socialize. My restorative experiences with my friends this week have been a healthy reminder that, for me, there are things – and people – that are just as important as (if not more important than) my essays and exams. 

Listen to Support System here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2SoouRP1X8

“I should be over all the butterflies, but I’m into you,”

As I was walking across the snow-covered Diag earlier this week, Still Into You came on shuffle for me for the first time in months. Hayley Williams, lead singer of the band Paramore, described the band’s song as being “about commitment to that one person that you just fall in love with and you have to just choose and you have to work so hard to stay in love.” However, on my sunny, snowy walk, I began to interpret the song in a very different way. After recently coming back from a short break from being in Ann Arbor, Still Into You perfectly summed up how much I am constantly falling in love with this city.

“And baby, even on our worst nights, I’m into you.”

When I was searching for colleges in senior year of high school, my guidance counselor gave me a piece of advice I have never forgotten: “Imagine you are sick, your significant other just broke up with you, and you have two exams and two papers due this week. Go to a college where you will still be happy.” While I’m fortunate that I haven’t had that exact experience, the fact that I have two ten-plus-page papers due in two weeks, an exam in the near future, and am waiting impatiently for my registration date while helplessly watching the classes I planned on taking next semester fill up have not made this past week a stress-free experience. 

“Let ’em wonder how we got this far, ‘cause I don’t really need to wonder at all…”

Yet every single day I am here in Ann Arbor, I find myself being incredibly grateful for the city. Even though there are always ways things can improve, I often catch myself smiling at nothing in particular, simply marveling at the fact that I live here now.

“Yeah, after all this time, I’m still into you.”

After over a year of living in Ann Arbor, I would expect to feel like it was getting “old.” While it is more familiar to me now, that has only increased my love for the city. I am constantly finding new places to explore and new things to do while also making new memories in the more familiar areas. 

“Well, some things just make sense, and one of those is you and I.”

Being in the Big House when we beat Ohio State. Studying day and night while learning more than I ever have before. Coming home exhausted and burned out to a house full of my best friends. Going on a monthly self-care trip to all of the record stores within walking distance. Freezing, but seeing the sun shining on the snowy Diag, filled with other people who love being here just as much as I do. Ann Arbor, “not a day goes by that I’m not into you.”

Listen to Still Into You here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tv7yHglIDsc

“Big monster lover, a bigger pusher over,”

“I think the hardest thing about my life is that I’ve met so many people all over the world who I love, but they’re not friends with each other.” This quote from Cat Power (Chan Marshall), singer-songwriter behind this week’s song, Back of Your Head, sums up part of my experience making friends in college so far.

“Stands alone in most walks of life.”

While I am grateful to have no shortage of beloved friends, most of them don’t know each other. I met many of them last year, during the height of the pandemic, when meeting with more than one person at a time was extremely difficult. As a result, my closest friends, for the most part, do not know each other very well. 

“Walks alone in most walks in life.”

I wouldn’t trade my relationships with my friends for anything, but sometimes I have a hard time being able to make sure I see all of them somewhat regularly. Managing my time enough to make sure I meet up with my various friends can be challenging, but I am grateful that we know that we will stay friends regardless of whether or not we see each other on a weekly basis. 

“See you looking through me like you’ve unzipped the zipper.”

Over the weekend, I met up with my best friend for the first time in two weeks. With our schoolwork, classes, clubs, and other commitments keeping us busy (not to mention the fact that we live on opposite sides of campus), it was such a relief to be able to spend time with the person who knows me the best. We agreed that going two weeks without seeing each other is far too long and we will do our best to not let it be so long again.

“You hold the big picture so well.”

This is only my third semester of college, and my first semester that resembles something like a typical college experience. I have plenty of time to introduce my friends to each other and meet even more. I could never have imagined that I would have so many friends a year ago, and I am so grateful that I have been fortunate enough to make so many so quickly. Who knows where I will be a year from now?

Listen to Back of Your Head here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8MKnV5i6qU

“Did you know desire’s a terrible thing?”

After a fun weekend of Halloween festivities, I am confronted with the reality of having multiple 10-12 page papers assigned and due by mid-December. A group project worth 20% of my semester grade is due in less than a week. There are only 22 days until Thanksgiving and only 37 days until the last day of classes. I’m still meeting new people on a near-daily basis and trying to juggle the many clubs I joined with the return of in-person classes and activities.

“It makes the world go blind.”

My semester has flown by. Maybe it’s because we are finally doing things in person, maybe it is because I already have a year of college under my belt, or maybe it’s because I’ve been incredibly busy ever since I moved in. 

“But if desire’s a terrible thing,”

In my experience, among my favorite things at the University of Michigan are the endless opportunities at my fingertips. I have no shortage of clubs to join, events to attend, jobs to apply for, and people to meet and spend time with. Unfortunately, this creates a challenge for me. With a course load of fifteen credits or more per semester and in-person activities resuming, I have to ask myself an important question: How much is too much?

“You know that I really don’t mind,”

It is not a failure to step back and do less. It is not a sign of defeat to admit that I am not able to do everything. I am not letting myself or others down by acknowledging that I am in over my head. It is okay to say no to events and opportunities, and there is no shame in doing so. After a year of nearly nothing, it is not a reasonable expectation that all of a sudden we would be able to do more than we ever did in our lives prior to the pandemic.

“And it’s my life.”

Like Harriet Wheeler, lead singer of The Sundays, says in Can’t Be Sure, knowing what is best for you and what you want doesn’t have to be instant. Desires and passions can change, and there is no problem with that.

“And though I can’t be sure what I want any more, it will come to me later.”

Sometimes, I don’t know if I’m making the right decision when I choose to start a new activity or reduce my participation in an old one. Fortunately, I also trust myself to do what is best, and when I doubt myself, I have a network of people who I can talk it out with. Regardless, I’ll be able to see that it all works out for me eventually. There will be no shortage of future opportunities for me to engage in if I so choose.

Listen to Can’t Be Sure here: https://youtu.be/yARVs1ZNLjU