The Rise of the Band Geeks, Episode 10: Interview with a Band Geek

This satirical post was co-written with a person.

Robert R. Robertson (R3):  Good evening, A2.  I am here with self-proclaimed band geek Jonina Jonana, a clarinet in the Michigan Marching Band.  How are you today, Jonina?

Jonina Jonana (JJ):  Bad.

R3:  That’s nice.  So, would you like to describe what you do in the band?

JJ:  This is going really awkward.  I don’t like this interview.

R3:  But will you answer the question?

JJ:  Yeah, man.

R3:  OK…then t–

JJ:  Hit me with your best shot.  I’m waiting.

JJ:  You’re pretty bad at this.

JJ:  My dude, I’m gonna leave.

Are you writing all of this down?

R3:  Yep.

JJ:  Even that?

R3:  Yup.

JJ:  Are you gonna ask me anything?

R3:  So, would you like to describe what you do in the band?

JJ:  Well–I kinda just do what everyone else does.  I play, I walk around the field with nice posture, um…I memorize my music, I memorize where to walk on the field…um…what else do I do?

R3:  You tell me.

JJ:  Um, I…I practice in my free time about 5 minutes a week because practice is built in practice, so why would I need to practice on my own?  I…like to think that I’m pretty good at the clarinet.  I don’t…um…I don’t know.  I guess I should start taking this interview more seriously.

But in all seriousness, I really do love being in the marching band, and it really is an honor to play in it whenever we have a show and to be a part of this group of wonderful musicians.  And even though I joke about it, I really am and will be forever grateful that I am part of the Michigan Marching Band.  I think it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and you can’t really describe the experience to people.  You have to really experience it to appreciate it.

R3:  Like the TV networks?

JJ:  Yeah, exactly.  I feel like we put so much effort into it, and we’re the ones that really hype up the crowd, but I also think that none of us mind too much that we don’t get as much recognition because we know that we…um….

We don’t need others to tell us that we’re worthy.  We already know we’re the best damn band in the land.

R3:  Seems legit.  So, Jonina, what made you want to play the clarinet, or stick, as I’ve heard them kids say?

JJ:  To be honest, it was kind of a shot in the dark for me.  In the first place I didn’t really want to be in the band anyway, but I figured it would be better than trying to sing in the chorus class, so I went for it.  I picked the clarinet because I wanted to play an instrument that wasn’t heavy.

R3:  Like the cymbals?

JJ:  No.

R3:  Why the clarinet specifically?  I mean, why not percussion or brass?  What about being a woodwind spoke to you?

JJ:  Like I said before, I just chose the first thing that I saw.  It looked kinda cool, it wasn’t very heavy, and I figured I could probably make a sound out of it.  So yeah, I went for it.  Also, my sister plays the trumpet, and she’s annoying, so I didn’t really wanna play that.

R3:  Your sister?

JJ:  What’s it to you?

R3:  Is she in the MMB?

JJ:  No.  She quit the trumpet after 1 year.

R3:  Y tho?

JJ:  Why not?  Free will?

R3:  Does she go to Michigan?

JJ:  Do you think she goes to Michigan?

R3:  I don’t know.  That’s why I’m asking.  Anyway, ya like jazz?

JJ:  Not really.

R3:  Oh, ok.  Alas.  Anyway, that’s all the time the network will give me because the big boss is too focused on the other sports.  But thanks for your time, Jonina Jonana, and Go Wolverines!

JJ:  OK.  Peace out, homie.

The Rise of the Band Geeks, Episode 9: The Cymbal Reserves According to Hal

As university students are swallowed up by impending finals and writer’s block, one marching band freshman wastes his time by compiling exhaustive profiles of all seven cymbal reserves…*

  1. Hugh Beckham Aport (freshman).  The first Hugh on the cymbal line when everyone’s last name is an alphabetical order, though he goes by his middle name, Beckham.  Undeclared, but says he wants to study either chemical or mechanical engineering depending on how much the pre-rec courses destroy his will to live.  Claims to love chameleons, but he mixed up a picture of a chameleon with that of an iguana, so we have our doubts.
  2. Marcin Budzinski (sophomore).  Computer Science (CS) major.  Lives in Detroit and speaks fluent Polish.  Only joined band this year after not opting to do it online last year because “My computer is where I code and play games, not cymbals.”  Bit of a snarky boi who doesn’t like chicken nuggets.
  3. Amos Frankiewicz (freshman).  Prospective CS major.  Currently getting a C in EECS 183 (which he always complains about).  That’s about it.
  4. Franklin Franklin (freshman).  Not really sure what this dude wants to study, but I do know he’s obsessed with these stuffed octopi that can be reversed between a happy and a sad/angry face.  He currently has upwards of 10 of them and frequently brings them to practice during the regular season.  For some reason, he talks about himself in the third person with a dramatic voice.  Rumor has it his middle name is also Franklin.
  5. Hugh Addison “Hal” Lubanski (freshman).  Prospective CS major (again).  Is without a doubt, the coolest, most impassioned, and most dedicated football fan in the cymbal section and possibly the MMB, the only exception being the Fearless Leader of the band.  Proponent of the most requested dining hall tater tots.
  6. Millicent Polaco (sophomore).  Another CS major.  Likes to dye her hair and listen to depressing punk music (but not Mr. Brightside).  Usually irritated by the awesomeness of people in the section like Hal.  Hates stuffed octopi for some ungodly reason.  Probably practices witchcraft in her spare time.
  7. Maren Thomas (freshman).  Undeclared freshman in College of Engineering.  Hopes to study aerospace.  Is one of those people who likes physics and does calculus for fun.

The author of this compendium did not do anything stupid in compiling this list.**

 

*This is 100,000% fictional.

**Not entirely true.  He wrote this list when he should have been studying.***

***As did I.

Happy studying!  May you get As on all your final exams and projects!

LOG_006_STATION

 

The terrain on the twilit 1c is treacherous, mountainous and perpetually blanketed in ice and snow near the surface– and bubbling with molten rock seeping through cracks in the dark valleys below. Several research stations are established across the planet; this one in particular focuses on ice core drilling and magnetometry.

The Rise of the Band Geeks, Episode 7: The Army

  1. An undisclosed photo of a soldier from the Army (source unknown).

    From the tumultuous tides that churn and swirl in a slurry we hailed / Prowling growlers and missiles of ice / That slosh in the slush of hushed currents / In frenetic eternity.

  2. Readily we traversed / The pulsating subsurface and tenuous night / The venous channels and crumpled paths / Under silent symphonies and sonorous skies / Until we found you.
  3. A subtle force, we convened / Upon the bristled surface below the fickle water-sky / Across the ground that sops up shrill water / Or rejects it, eschews it into whiteness / Scattered across the tensile blades / erupting from matted black nuggets.
  4. North of the end of the shifting stew we mounted / Our tuneful armor / Our wooden round shells hollowed by erosive war / Our skins stretched so finely clumsy flesh would rend / The precious surface before which we stewed / Our moldable bodies balanced securely between our vessels and our weapons.
  5. Kindred warriors deluded by our stillness / Fused with our minds and our spiral limbs / Their blurred hands and cylinder knives / Rounded blades that sluice and pound / The sparse depths into oblivion / Elevated us with their hastily wrought words and / Thunderous melodies.
  6. Laconic, we allowed / You to swarm around us intrigued by our plush plumpness and stitched-on jubilee / To accumulate in trickles and honey droves toward our piano demeanor.
  7. In this soft stupor we encased you / Ensnared you in stuffed cages / Choked you gently into piles of fluff.
  8. Now we breathe into your accordion lungs / We snuggle within your marimba memories / We wrap our tendrils round your cymbal hearts / We feed you / We cultivate you / We drive you toward the day when the city folds in on itself and the clouded day becomes our night / We whet our spongy forms against the steel and the temptation and the war chant / We fashion your limbs into brass weapons / Your voices into roars / We disassemble you and rewire you and arrange your valves in sinister permutations / We polish you until we are not of you but are you / Until the day when the stadium submits and all of you, all of you, answer to us.  We are coming– for you.

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The Rise of the Band Geeks, Episode 6: Those Tater Tots Are Pretty Good, Tho

It turned out, after a tater tot and taco-laden discussion in one of the less crumb-coated tables of South Quad, that Hal adhered the most to college rivalry sentiments than did anyone else in his social circle.  Calling it a “social circle” included several caveats, of course, one of them being that Hal didn’t know half the people at the table beyond recognizing them as fellow band geeks, and another being that they were band geeks and therefore for the most part less adept at social interactions.

 

“I just don’t get what all the fuss is about.”  Kendra, a dirty blonde alto horn, wrinkled her nose.  “It’s so extra.”

 

“That’s what makes it great!”  Hal flung his arms outward melodramatically.  “It’s pure adrenaline!  Chaos!  Acrimony!”

 

“Eh….”  The lukewarm counter came from Millicent, a sophomore and fellow cymbal reserve with a lavender streak in her hair and a tendency to brood.  She was the one person at the table Hal somewhat knew.  “Pretty overkill, if you ask me.”

 

“Screaming at the refs isn’t really my idea of fun,” Kendra supplemented.

 

“We scream at the refs from anger, not because it’s fun.  The fun part is watching the other team lose!”

 

“I thought it was about watching our team win.”  Millicent’s voice was a deadpan.

 

“Well, that, too.”

 

Kendra mouthed something to Millicent that looked like the word boys.

 

“Well, as much as I love watching other teams fail spectacularly,” –this from a sophomore trumpet named Ryker– “I usually get more hyped when we win.”

 

Mildly incredulous that his tablemates did not exhibit an enthusiasm unknown to mankind, Hal turned to the fifth and final band geek munching away on tater tots, a freshman pic named Aaron.  He was a snarky lad prone to, according to his numerous anecdotes, butting heads with substitute teachers who mispronounced his name.  He’d often be reamed for messing up and then wind up outside the principal’s office twiddling his thumbs and wondering if the latest band video had caught him missing his dot.  Hal figured he was the type to revel in both the wins of the Wolverines and the losses of their sworn enemies, but he wasn’t so sure at this point.

 

“Oh, me?”  Aaron looked up from his tater tots.  “I kinda agree with Kendra and Ryker.  I wouldn’t go so far as to call screaming at refs fun, but I do love me a good football game.”

 

“I never said screaming at refs was fun.  I said the spirit of college football was fun.”  Hal defensively chowed down on his taco, then contemptibly popped a tater tot into his mouth while he was still chewing.  “Like the rivalry.  Not getting shorted by refs.”

 

“Didn’t they apologize–?”

 

Hal waved his hand dismissively.  “Not good enough.  You see, they done messed up, A–Aaron!”  He was interrupted as Aaron yeeted a tater tot at his head.

 

“Alright, that’s it.”  Millicent stood, surly, and scooped up her empty plate.  “I’m outta here.”

 

“What would you do that for, bro!?”  Hal gesticulated helplessly at the immaculate tater tot now marred by the filth of the cafeteria floor.  “Why would you waste a tater tot?  They’re not just tater tots–they’re most requested tater tots!”  Yet, as he spoke, he pumped the remainder of his taco into the air and launched it past Aaron’s shoulder.  “As per the menu!”

 

“Oh, it’s on,” Aaron returned, and seized his four remaining tater tots in his fist.

 

Author’s Note:  Band geeks do not yeet food at each other in actuality.  We’re more civilized than that.

The Rise of the Band Geeks, Episode 5: Beanie

O pom-pom graced atop the knitted dome

Secured by laces tipped with aglets clear;

Beneath thee soft-striped stitches tightly roam

In chevrons spanning from thee to the ear.

O stitches stretched into a snug caress

Around the fragile flesh and mind and hair

You trap soft heat and ward off cruel duress

That would arise were this pale pate left bare.

O flesh, that warmth may bless thy frigid heart

Nestled within thee, that the stitches may

Envelop fragile you from the game’s start

And shield you till night voids the might of day.

May ev’ry precious strand upon your head

Of the band beanie undermine cold’s dread.