“I’ve been scratching at the surface trying to find out where the hurt is.”

I always figured that college is a time to work on finding out who you are, but I didn’t realize that that also means finding out who you aren’t. I find myself second guessing myself every day, in the best – and worst – ways possible. My mind is expanding with every class I take, but sometimes, I worry that I’m doing college and young-adulthood the “wrong” way or that I should be doing something that others seem to enjoy even though I have no interest in it. The pandemic and having to change my expectations hasn’t helped.

“Now that I’m dancing with my demons, I’m making everybody nervous”

This leads me to fear that I’m missing out on something, but it’s a strange sort of feeling. I fear I am missing out on things I do not want to do and aspects of a stereotypical college culture that I don’t have any interest in. Everyone has their own path and everyone is unique. Just because I see something in pop culture and on social media that some of my peers seem to enjoy doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me not being interested in it.

“I have to walk the path in front of me ’cause I’m not one for following,”

The truth is, there will always be times when I am anxious. There will always be times when I feel like I don’t belong, and there is nothing wrong with me feeling upset, lost, and lonely in those moments. Just because I feel like I can’t relate to a single conversation doesn’t mean that I need to change so that I can relate, and it definitely doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with me. I have to remember that for every conversation that leaves me feeling left out, I’ve had one that makes me feel at home and feel like myself. Why change who I am to become someone I don’t even want to be?

“And I will not apologize or lie for who I am.”

Listen to The Other (by Tonight Alive) here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HibSsNbCUn4

FIFTH SEASON

 

Just give me one more season

so I can figure out the other four.

-John Prine

 

Summer ends, the last lights of

the late dusk dripping across 

heat wilted river lilies, while 

the hummingbird dances a few

swoops for the remaining sweet, 

for the last hurrah, the last zing 

on by. 

We turn to fall in shades of 

amber, goldenrod funneling 

pollen through the breeze, each

sneeze assured. The palms grow

cold, the mittens tucked away 

are finally called 

upon.

 

The dark is also the cold, and the 

months stretch long into a white

desert once the evergreen has

been strewn to the curbside for 

pickup, holidays passed. There

were few ghosts to show for it,

though we long for the sing-

song spirits which once dotted

the Douglas fir, the now-stripped

oak. 

 

After frost we tap the maples, 

draining sap into condenser bags 

careful so as not to spill, so as not 

to rain liquid gold upon the turning 

mosses, driving themselves 

slowly out of the ashen claws of 

Winter. 

Though syrup is sweet, sap 

alone crawls across the tongue 

like cement dries in the tepid sun,

leaving teeth to grit themselves

against the adhesive liquid devoid 

of any saccharine 

sweet. 

 

Spring, 

of minds between, is much the 

same. Sand lines the snowbank,

etched by tire grease and boot

tracks. The boys have gone to

work peeling the pavement, 

tearing away the black tar 

bubbles thrown upwards by 

ice stowed beneath thawing 

road. North State is upturned, 

throngs of students abound, 

circumnavigating the newly 

dug pit. Hardhats align the 

corners, we are rebuilding. 

We are repaving. We will

repave again, and again. 

Then maybe one more 

time. No— 

I’ve seen a lot of students (including me) with the mindset, “once I achieve __, then I’ll be happy!” But the truth is all your problems don’t go away when you get accepted into that program or get that job you wanted. Sooner or later the next goal is going to pop up and the cycle will start all over again. It’s important to learn how to enjoy the “in-betweens”, as you go from one stage of your life into the next. Whether that’s appreciating where you’re at right now or being happy with the effort you put into your work, make sure you take some time to enjoy the routine parts of life. This week’s lyrics are from “Cough It Out” by the Front Bottoms. Listening to their music certainly helps me enjoy the time it takes to get from class to class! Check them out if you like indie/alternative rock.