Shades of ‘Blue’

By the time I arrived at the Michigan Theater for my 6pm shift, someone had already complained. The nice old lady who generally spent her free time before movies talking my ear off about the theater’s selection of caffeinated vs. decaffeinated teas had stormed out of an NC-17 rated French movie, and complained to a manager about her problems with watching, I quote, “lesbians sucking on each other.” If you’ve heard of the movie ‘Blue is the Warmest Color,’ you’ve probably heard of it in certain, defined capacities: it’s french, it’s about lesbians, and it has explicit sex scenes, one of them 7 minutes long. But the film is also much more than the sum of its controversy – director Abdellatif Kerchiche and his two lead actresses have created a masterful, exhausting onscreen love affair, a passionate depiction of an young woman’s awakening consciousness.

The three hour long film follows its young lead, Adéle (Adéle Exarchopolous), in tightly centered close-up, first as she lives her life as a normal French teenager, and then as she experiences the awakening of her desires through her passionate affair with a blue-haired, older woman (Lea Seydoux). Adéle functions as the physical center of the film, and Kerchiche’s camera never strays far from her body – she adjusts her uncombed hair, falls asleep with her mouth open, eats with abandon and cries messily.

The night before I went to see the movie, I spent a slow shift assigned to guard the screening room doors from unwary or curious children. After fifteen minutes of staring at an empty hallway, I took it upon myself to protect the innocents from inside the theater while I watched some of the film. I expected to be lost, at the two hour mark, for lack of context  – but I was immediately transfixed. I walked in on a scene that takes place well into the affair, wherein Emma and Adéle throw a backyard dinner party to showcase Emma’s paintings. Adéle cooks and serves food to the artistic elite as Emma showcases enormous canvases, her paintings of Adéle’s nude, posed body. Any conversation is focused around art analysis, incomplete and interspersed between food, drink and dance, so I was amazed both at how quickly the acting and direction conveyed the intricacies of the women’s relationship. Adéle is down to earth and practical, serving food, drink, and single-sentence descriptions of her career aspirations – ‘I teach.’ She emits an embarrassed glow when Emma recognizes her with a toast, but then sinks into disappointment and anxiety as Emma spends her night talking to another woman. Adéle listens to the PhD students and artists converse over her head as she nods along, the domestic partner; Emma debates with her highly educated friends about different artists (mostly visual artists famous for depicting the female figure) while they devour Adéle’s spaghetti and admire paintings of Adéle’s nude body. Later, in bed, Emma urges Adéle to develop her writing skills, wanting her to want something less simple, but Adéle resists – she is fulfilled just by being with Emma.

Although it’s easy to get a headache over tea lady’s insistence on being shocked by screentime devoted to lesbian sex, criticism of Kerchiche’s sex scenes has come from a variety of more credible sources, including Julie Maroh, the author of the graphic novel that ‘Blue’ was based on (who called the sex scenes “pornographic” http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/06/movies/julie-maroh-author-of-blue-novel-criticizes-film.html). The sex scenes are uncomfortable, but not necessarily because of length. After all, Kerchiche lingers on Adéle’s walk to the bus, her tearful consumption of a snickers bar, the leaf in her hair – so why would he introduce brevity in sex, the realization of the affair’s intimacy? No, the problem is the change in tone. None of the messiness of sex is admitted – the female bodies are staged, posed, and pondered by the camera, but we see no glimpse of Adéle’s previous physicality, none of the character established by her unabashed eating habits and her moist, crying face. Kerchiche’s camera also breaks its tight focus on Adéle, continuity with which would mandate intimate sequences cut up by movement, and moves back to encompass both women. This abandonment of Adéle’s perspective has a weird effect; it seems that there is a third party is sitting in the room watching, and we become conscious of the camera and of ourselves as viewers. Ironically –  but maybe understandably –  the sex scenes interrupt the intimacy of the relationship.

Yet walking away from the film, I realized that I haven’t seen so much screen time devoted to women in the recent past, maybe ever (The Bechdel test exists for a reason: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLF6sAAMb4s), and I’d never seen a filmed love story that didn’t struggle with, or fail to struggle with, a gendered power dynamic. The female form is an overarching theme – artistic depictions of the female, physical needs of the female, emotional awakenings of the female – and the movie is almost exclusively about the nuances of a love between two women. However, Kerchiche’s camera, script and direction do occasionally interject a male presence. At one point, a dinner guest and art gallery owner named Joachim speaks about male portrayals of female sexuality, arguing that throughout time male artists have been ‘transfixed’ by the perceived transcendence of the female orgasm, and that male artists have historically struggled to depict the mystery of female sexuality. Here, Kerchiche appears to be speaking through Joachim to preemptively admit his failures in understanding. It’s a little heavy handed, but it kind of works in that I do find myself giving giving the movie a break when it comes to the sex scenes, the anxieties about children and families, and that problematic mention of female sexuality as mystical – not because these aren’t real gaps in understanding, but because the rest of the movie is so overwhelmingly good that it transcends them.

As the love story develops with painful, feverish beauty, it’s hard not to be consumed by Adéle’s experience. The story of Emma and Adéle has universal, epic proportions: They live, they awaken, they make art, they suffer, they love. Yet at the same time, their relationship seems so close to us, so lifelike, so real. And although Kerchiche may filming with a ‘male gaze,’ the actresses are so talented and expressive that they practically gaze back – Kerchiche may have been behind the camera, but Seydoux and Exarchopolous undoubtedly played a part in creating their own characters. ‘Blue is the Warmest Color’ is beautiful, painful, compelling. Together, Kerchiche, Seydoux and Exarchopolous have created a masterpiece.

Five More Minutes

Like many people, I have a hard time focusing on work when I sit down at my computer with the intent to study. Facebook, Netflix, StumbleUpon and other timesuckers on the internet seem to call my name as I log into Ctools, click on resources and mentally prepare myself to begin my assignment. As I work, an email notification serves as a sufficient reason to pause, easily seguing into a five minute break which turns into a 15 minute break which becomes a TV show break and the next thing I know, it’s midnight and I have barely started the first problem of my homework.

Procrastinating starting homework until the night before it is due is common and not a calamity. Yes, on those nights I get less than my preferred 8 hours of sleep, but the work always gets done. Why? Because I am the type of person that refuses to miss a deadline and so regardless of the circumstance the homework is always completed on time.

For academic classes with set due dates and assignments this system works. However, this procrastination does not work when it comes to practicing. This is due to two primary reasons. The first, there is no one specifically checking up on you to make sure that you are practicing everyday for a reasonable amount of time. The second, vocalists cannot simply “double up” their practicing to make up for a missed day. Vocally, I can only practice for a certain amount of time each day without feeling vocal fatigue. If I ignore this fatigue and sing through the discomfort, I will not be practicing tomorrow.

Without someone watching me constantly I have had to learn how to self police my practicing and I find that it has helped me with other aspects of my life. By forcing myself to practice at least an hour a day (no matter what), I have found that my procrastinating habits are lessening. Lessening, though not gone as I log into CTools to begin my homework due tomorrow morning.

Look Towards The Light

It’s about that time of the year, or, perhaps, way past that moment when Fall darkness sets in. I get home from class and work in the dark, I study and write in the dark, I socialize in the dark, and during the day (which is usually dark because Michigan) I’m kept inside tiny rooms within more rooms within more rooms. Life in winter is kafkaesque. Work seems to pile up around me and I’m overwhelmed. But there is something else going on entirely under my skin.

I used to romanticize the winter melancholia that would set in every year. I would feel terrible and love it. Wear moody clothing, quote Kierkegaard and Sartre about existential dread, and drink pots and pots of coffee so I could be not only be sad but also be ecstatically sad, performatively sad. My grades always seemed to suffer only a bit near the end of Fall semesters, which I attributed to the end of term finish line haze of terror; I usually ended up not exactly in fights but friendships always had more tension; and I would leave most social events angry. And then I’d be alone. And then angrier. I would look at my work and realize that I had no motivation to muster and that motivation seemed to exist only outside, in the leaves freshly fallen, decaying.

Last weekend, in particular, I felt I had to internalize “I had fun” so that when people asked me “How was your weekend?” I wouldn’t reply “real shitty.” People respond poorly to negative things, or I find that people build on the negativity, and I didn’t need more bad reactions. Little things got in the way, moments that were unexpected set me off into a chain of dizzying apathy, I began to really sink into the sadness and “thrive” there (aka more of me convincing that I’m fine). And then after watching Scandal on Saturday (which is a whole other thing that needs to be unpacked) I realized that I was NOT okay.

Now I had been to CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) before. After two semi-failed attempts at having therapy sessions, “Why do you feel this way?” “Well Heidegger in Being and Time  says this . . . and then Nietzsche really compliments this by . . . and the existential void, no? THE VOID.” In the end all of my problems seemed to come up philosophy (which is partially beautiful I have to say). But another factor that cropped up was the time of the year. Fall-into-Winter and Winter were dreadful to live through and then Spring and Summer were pretty much fantastic.

Adventuring to CAPS for different reasons also helped me be aware of the Wellness Zone, which, I have to say, is currently saving my happiness.

SUN SQUARES. These (roughly) two feet by two feet fluorescent-but-not faux sunlight containers that flood your body and eyes with an impenetrable light seem a bit terrifying. The Wellness Zone, in general, has soft mood lighting that is pretty much stomped out by this (amazing) light box. I feel like I’m a flower, or some weird vegetation, or some creature of the future.

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I have heard of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) before this moment, but I was not only angered at the passive aggressiveness of the name, “oh you’re sad, aw it’s the season *pinches cheek and shines a flashlight on you*.” And I have an aversion to a lot of mental health diagnoses that is due to, in part, the medical-industrial complex, corporatization and pathologization of health, etc. So, while I may not technically be diagnosed with anything, these sun boxes are extinguishing my autumntime/wintertime/no-sunlight-time overwhelming, life crippling, perpetual state of mourning.

But I wouldn’t be a humanities senior if I didn’t stare into, or just slightly off of, these boxes without imagining them framed in a museum, or put in hallways, or dorms, or classrooms. All of health I have problems with, especially mental health, because most services or areas of help are tucked away (3rd floor union, Wellness Zone in the back) out of reach/sight and they aren’t often advertised (well or enough). What if we could hang these modern art pieces, because to me that’s partially what they are, all around campus during the winter and flood everyone (albeit this is problematic) with artificial sunlight. A bit much, no? maybe not?

What does it mean for a square of designed stuff to cause happiness? Or destroy sadness? I mean, I partially don’t believe it still– but it works. So what’s to say? “Well this artwork affects me so much that I just have an overwhelming sense of OK.” If I were an artist, this would be my art.

When talking with friends, however, when they ask me how I’m doing this week, I’ve replied, “THESE SUNLIGHT BOXES OF JOY.” It gets people thinking and many have reached out for more information. When I feel this way its a problem, but when all of my friends act this way and try to unpack their feelings, its overwhelming, problematic, and we need the sun to come back.
This experience for me has been life-changing. Every morning I go to CAPS on the third floor of the union, next to where I work (Spectrum Center), and read or write (like now) in front of a light box. Everyday I leave a bit giggly (sunlight always makes me WAY happy) to live my life.

It’s important to talk about success. It’s important to share success.

And my success is feeling amazing.

 

Paint Your Face and Prepare for War

Dip the brush in the white, olive, brown, black of your foundation,
And paint your face and prepare for war
Paint it well to frighten your opponents,
Your mascara is your shield,
Your blush is why you fight,
Your eyeliner is what you fight with,
Your red lipstick, your war paint
The colors on your face are the colors you wear to battle
Wear them proudly.

And whatever you do, do not spear those who do not paint their faces remember that those who do not paint their faces are also fighting the battle with you.

An Icelandic Audio Odyssey, Finally We Are No One

Before I understood maps or geothermal currents, I pictured Greenland as a land of trees, plants, and vegetation–greenery–and Iceland to be a frozen tundra, frigid and white–icy. This naivety led me to believe the opposite. The namesake of Greenland and Iceland are almost polar opposites, for while they are both near the North Pole, their climates are immensely varied. Iceland is a land of extremes–from volcanic thermal heat to icy glacial coldness. Despite the extremes, the small island has a fairly moderate and consistent temperature. It is a beautiful place filled with many natural wonders. It is a place for the imagination to wander and reflect. It is only appropriate that the nation has produced artists representing this personality.

múm is an Icelandic experimental music group. Adopting a dreamlike quality with their unique concoction of sounds creates a refreshing brand of music that resonates with an imaginative spirit. In their 2002 album, Loksins Erum Við Engin (Finally We Are No One), this creative sound pushes the listeners’ thoughts to places often untouched or forgotten, such as the ability to truly imagine and reflect from within oneself. Finally We Are No One is a playful odyssey of the subconscious. As as a whole, the simple but unique form of the art and music is found in the sound. The childlike voices reflect the peaceful innocence of exploratory thoughts. Like the naivety of a child, such as my ignorance surrounding the ecological states of Greenland and Iceland, the album celebrates these virgin thoughts, not tampered by adult actions and concerns.

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When listening, the album elicits a unique feeling that is not often excited by music. It is not a “pump up” sound or nostalgic tune or bluesy act of sad emotions, but a gentle touch on more tender feelings. It draws upon the small things, subtle details and little sounds. It is pure and difficult to express in another medium. While the soft voices convey the pureness of innocence, the pattering of varied sounds embodies the minimal amount of emotion necessary to touch the listener. The slow cadence of the music is calming, putting the listener at peace to encourage introspection. It balances delicately on a small wave of feeling that moves between the small troubles and ripples of hope. It is ideal for reflection and cannot fit in varied forms, which leaves it appropriately perfect.

Finally We Are No One strips away the titles that  border one’s subconscious. Removing the clutter from the mind, it lets a gentle wave wash over tender thoughts and carry them to new shores.

Scheherazade

Ever since I can remember, my mom has been one of the primary influences when it comes to things I like. Now that I’m older, I see it’s because I’m basically her when she was a teenager, just in a different era (and maybe a little bit nerdier). But when I was younger, she definitely molded my interests through the things she took me to do and see.

If it hasn’t become clear yet, I’m not from Michigan, but from the mysterious land far, far away known as Houston, Texas. And as most people don’t know, Houston has a thriving and honestly quite amazing arts community.

So this environment, paired with the ingenuity of my mom, you get me: by all accounts, a child hipster. She took me to the children’s museum, to the ballet, she even bought a season at the Hobby Theatre so I could see Cinderella and The Lion King (both amazing performances, by the way). I participated in church choir, and had a strict music program in school that included mandatory extracurricular activities. I still remember going to see Wizard of Oz when I was maybe 4 or 5 years old at the Miller Outdoor Theatre, and being amazed (and slightly scared) as the munchkins came out during intermission to talk to the children and interact with them in their brightly colored costumes.

But out of all those experiences, this weekend, one appeared vividly in my mind.

My mom took me to see the Houston Symphony at Jones Hall one time when I was very little, maybe 6 or 7 years old. I absolutely loved it, and after that time I started listening to the classical channel on my little radio before I went to bed, because the music was so calming. So when my school announced a field trip to go see the Symphony, I was thrilled, because I actually enjoyed this music, not to mention by this time I was probably taking piano lessons.

But that’s not the response I got from my friends.

“Why do we have to go to the symphony?”

“This music is so boring.”

“Everyone’s going to fall asleep.”

I tried to tell them otherwise. “I listen to this music every night” I said. “It helps me get to sleep.”

“Yeah because it’s so boring.”

So while, truthfully, most of my friends fell asleep, I sat, pretending to be bored, but actually engaged in everything that was going on.

This particular instance stands out to me because it was one of the last times I’ve seen a symphony. I’ve been to plenty of plays since that had an orchestra, and I listen to movie scores all the time to help me concentrate on my homework, but it’s not quite the same.

So a few weeks ago, when I found out my friend had a concert with Michigan Pops, I knew I had to go. This weekend, I attended AquaPops, the water-themed musical experience. And I was put right back into my memories. I felt like I was back in Houston, in Jones Hall, where I first heard what music could actually sound like when it came from such beautiful and ancient instruments.

Adam Young, the real name of the ever-famous (or infamous) Owl City, once had a blog that has since been taken down, where he would muse about life, love, and his own music. On this blog one night, he talked about music without words. Specifically, he was referring to electronic, the genre he’s most commonly associated with, which quite often is just a composition of notes rather than an actual song with lyrics. But generally, it applies to all music without words. He said “I find that by listening to material that neither suggests nor blatantly tells me how to think or feel…well, suddenly I can go anywhere, do anything, be anyone. In that moment, dreams are no longer hovering discouragingly out of reach, but instead are made real and vivid, floating right above my head. That’s an invigorating feeling.”

And honestly, I couldn’t have summed up that entire concert any better myself. I found myself lost within the music, finding my way through the notes that were being played. With every pluck of the cello, with every movement of the bow, I was wandering, collecting the pieces of a story that was waiting to be told by me. And yet that story was so completely different from the stories of my friends next to me.

That story is beautiful, and that story that I heard Sunday night is the reason why I will take any opportunity to go to the symphony again.

 

Notes: Shout out to Arts at Michigan for getting me into the Pops concert for free through their Passport to the Arts (okay, that was a shameless plug, I admit).

Also, shout out to the 1st Chair Violinist and Concertmaster who probably won’t read this but nevertheless had an absolutely stunning solo in one of the best songs of the night, “Scheherazade.”