My mother is not dying
But as distant brothers and sisters lose their living
I can’t help but imagine her memory slipping
Unable to recount bad days in Burbanay
Singing songs of found peanuts in the rain
How do you reconcile being one in a million
Shouting silently in a sea of the same
Seeing seasons of violence but only shouting one name
“Support us now for when your democracy falls
While we take steps to kill them all”
I want to sit and contemplate the significance behind a movie
Watch for detail and picture design
Why they chose red hues and blue lights
Over white
I want to feel his touch caressing my back
Lips on mine
I want to play games
Get 5 in a row
Reach 2048
Stack towers run through temples break rocks
Walk my dog
Look at the sunset
Travel the world
Contemplate what has been
It’s easier
Than talking
Than listening
Than learning
It’s so much easier
How I loathe thee let me count the ways
Making me twist and turn manipulated and phased
Silence, I’ll reward myself
Stillness will provide some help
Insulated with useless conniption
Constantly contracting to your systems
One of these days I will conform
Say goodbye to dreaming willingly condemning
Myself and my health to shame
Wishing potently and lost
So much that I forget my name
Why are we afraid of sadness
We masquerade happiness because
Sadness isn’t pretty isn’t satisfying
We celebrate some kinds of suffering
In violent films, horror, doom scrolling
The chemicals in our brain that react
To fear and comedy are very similar
If I tell myself to be happy will I be
If I am happy what am I telling myself?
We are all searching for ways to be happy
In a world that fosters disappointment
We are actors in our own suffering
Silently playing the parts assigned to us
Choosing security over excitement
Pain over passion
It’s not good for your mind to go to that place
The further you go the harder it is to come out
The more you say the less you’ll wish to know
But life is a gift
Because our bodies resist the urge to die
If I would have known how you would make my heart tremble
If I would have known how you would make my heart ache
If I would have seen the future at stake
If I would have seen the memories we’d make
Only to come crashing down
Leaving me aimless untethered and lost
Desperately fitting broken pieces together
That never quite fit the way they used to
I would have done everything I could
To never know you
